ANGER CONTROL IN CHILDREN
- What is anger, is it normal?
Every person has and should have It is a natural feeling. A person feels anger when he or she is hindered, when his or her wishes are not met, when he or she is disappointed or in conflict with others. It is not a harmful or aggressive situation, on the contrary, it is an emotional state that should be present in every person, without which problems will occur.
- What Causes Anger Crises in Children and How Many Types Are There?
In order to understand the source of anger, it is useful to first get to know our brain a little. Our brain is like a two-storey house, with upper and lower parts. On the lower floor, activities that cause us to unconsciously experience emotions such as breathing, blinking our eyes reflexively, fighting and running away when faced with any danger, feeling fear and anger take place. The state of anger that arises out of control originates from this very part of our brain.
If we go upstairs, things proceed a little more systematically here. This place is like a large library. The source of actions such as thinking, dreaming, planning and organizing is exactly the upper layer of the brain. This is where the virtuous behaviors we want to see in children are located.
However, children, with their surprisingly subtle intelligence, can use these parts of their brains very well for the goal they want to achieve. I'm talking about strategic tantrums that tie parents' hands. Those kids who make a fuss when they're not getting what they want at the mall, create havoc and eventually defeat their parents, look familiar, right?
- What Should Be Done to Cope with an Anger Crisis?
First of all, it is necessary to understand whether the child's anger originates from the lower brain or the upper brain. Because the feelings of the two are completely different and the approach should be accordingly.
In case of anger originating from the lower brain, the child cannot control his own behavior. At that moment, sitting with him and telling him what is right and wrong will not help, because he has closed himself off. His emotions are very intense and he needs to be calmed down. You can also think about this about yourself, a situation where you are very angry. How do you react when someone gives you advice in a situation? Are you in a position to listen to him? Or do you just need some understanding and calming? It is necessary to approach children with this in mind.
A child's world may collapse when he sees his beloved toy broken by his sibling, and at that moment he may tend to hit his sibling without thinking about right or wrong. In such a situation, the first thing to do is to understand the child's feelings. Hug him, approach him with compassion, look into his eyes with a soft tone, say, "I know you are very angry right now," and try to calm him down by removing him from the environment. Diverting your attention is also a good method for a tantrum originating from the lower brain.
What do we do if the tantrum originates from the upper brain? Parents will know that this is a strategic state of anger and will learn not to bow down accordingly. This may seem difficult at first. Because before us is a child who is just waiting for his wishes to be fulfilled in order to truly calm down. Parents are faced with two stark choices: do what the child wants or don't. If he doesn't, how will he deal with this? The answer is simple; by setting boundaries. Children who encounter this boundary setting process may be stunned at first because they have never seen it before and they do not like it at all, but they see that they have no choice but to accept it in the face of the parents' consistent shower. The first thing to do is to understand the child's feelings. Let's say you want an item that is not for sale in the shopping mall. We said we couldn't get it and there was a fuss. “I know you want to bend over to the kid and buy this right now, but it's not for sale so we can't buy it. Yes, you are sad and angry, I see that.” If he does not calm down by understanding his emotion, the limit comes into play: "If you choose to continue crying like this, you will choose to give back the other toy we bought today" or you can create alternatives such as choosing to give up something he loves very much. Even if he doesn't accept it, you will witness how functional this boundary setting is when he sees that he is deprived of the thing he loves. Most importantly, children also need this limit. Because life does not offer an unlimited living space for anyone. to. The future will be much easier for the child who learns this at an early age through an appropriate selection method. In short; Exercise the upper level of the brain and allow children to take responsibility for their own choices.
Expert Clinical Psychologist
Zeynep Görenoğlu
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