Psychologist Batuhan Toprak said, “Marriage is a union approved by the society in which men and women live. It is very important to find the right person (spouse) for a healthy marriage. But when you close your door and you are left alone, or rather, when the interventions of the elders of the family with whom you cannot stay enter through that door, problems arise in this institution of marriage, and when their spouses' families and mothers come into play, they unknowingly cast a shadow over the happiness of their children. To give a simple example, we can call it the war of the mothers-in-law. Actually, this is where the egos of mothers-in-law come into play. They say 'No', let it be what I say. If one of the spouses says what would happen if what my mother said happened, it becomes a big problem. One of the first golden rules for a happy marriage is that when you close your door, all problems stay outside. Also, a certain limit needs to be set with such families. Of course, what I mean here is not not seeing each other or having a superficial relationship. There is another mistake that families make. Mothers and fathers want their children to make the right decisions and they hold themselves responsible for this. However, they forget one thing: even if the person in front of them is their child, that individual is now grown up and can make his or her own decisions. Moreover, he is now married, so he has a separate house from you and a life that he shares with his wife," he said.
Another mistake that should be mentioned is living in the same house with your mother-in-law or living in the family apartment, although it is rarely seen today. Toprak said, "This Situations like this should be avoided and families should never live together. The couple must have a separate home and live in a separate building. Another mistake that families make is this; Girls growing up in traditional families are generally given the following advice: "Oh girl, she is your elder", "You just manage", "Take it easy", "Don't let it spoil your taste", individuals raised in this style are oppressed. However, other very wrong thoughts are as follows: "Oh girl, keep your mother-in-law away", "don't get involved in everything" etc... It is not right to approach the other person with direct prejudice without knowing them, relationships become more tense. Again, thoughts such as "Son, let the strings be in your hands" and "Don't spoil your wife so much from the beginning" Their take is also very wrong. Families unknowingly hinder their children's happiness, and that's why a limit needs to be set with families in marriage. If this cannot be achieved, marriages may even come to the point of ending. It is a fact of our country that divorce cases are increasing day by day and most of the reasons for divorce are families. Family of origin relationships are one of the biggest reasons for problems in marriage. For this reason, for a happy, peaceful and healthy marriage, families should not be allowed to interfere in marriage," he said.
Noting that the main reason for couples who cannot set limits with their families is that they cannot embrace their roles in marriage, Toprak said, "You are now sharing a life with your spouse and you have established your own nuclear family." realize it. Even though the couples love each other, they are both individuals who grew up in different environments and cultures. Therefore, when making decisions, a joint decision should be made. To give an example, my dear/dear (however you call me), what do you say, let's go to my parents' for dinner tomorrow night? It should be approached in this manner. His wife will like it because he gets her opinion, and his wife will feel that he is cared for. If there is no previous program or promise, the answer to this question will be positive from a psychological perspective. The important thing here is that it is very important for the spouses to learn each other's communication languages, otherwise the institution of marriage will begin to crack. "Never forget this, you will never have a happy marriage unless you stop controlling your spouse," he said.
Psychologist Toprak gave the following suggestions to people married to people who are dependent on their families: >“People who are attached to their families want their relationships to be the same after marriage, and they expect this from their spouses, and sometimes they even force their spouses to do so. Since these people think that they will lose their ties with their families by using something as an excuse, they make excuses such as let's have dinner at my mom's house today, let's have breakfast at my mom's. When making these decisions, the spouse is not asked; the sad part is that the elders of the family see this but do not speak out. Most of them boast that my sons got married but they did not forget us, but there is something they cannot see because of the problems in their sons' marriage. The substructure is where they are formed. If couples are incapable of solving their problems and think that their relationship has reached an impasse, they should definitely seek help from an expert without wasting any time."
Stating that if the individual has traumatic events in the past that he/she has not yet resolved, it significantly affects the quality of marriage, Toprak said, "He who comes to me for marriage therapy My clients' first priority is to solve the problem in the past because a structure whose foundations are not well laid has a hard time standing and collapses after a while. There are very few marriages without any problems. Of course, there are some problems in every marriage. However, what is important is the extent of these problems and how long they last. If one of the couples or the couple reaches a point and says they don't argue anymore, we don't talk at all, it means the marriage is nearing its end. "An expert should be consulted without wasting any time," he said.
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