The process of communicating with children who have started school requires additional effort. The communication of a child who starts school is no longer limited to his immediate environment. He begins to encounter many positive or negative events and behaviors during the time he spends with the people he is with at school. The child experiences emotions such as joy, sadness or fear in the face of many events he encounters at school. So, as parents, how should we communicate with our children who come home with a burden of emotions and thoughts after being separated for a long time during the day? How should we support our child to overcome the responsibilities of being a student, such as doing homework, going to bed early, waking up, and preparing for exams? Wrong and inadequate communication causes problems between family and child.
What is Required for Effective Communication?
1- Active listening: It is a basic complement of communication. When you are an active listener; You accept that your child has a need and desire to share his/her feelings and thoughts, and you act understandingly. As parents who learn to listen actively understand their children's feelings better, warm relationships will be established. Don't be afraid, embrace and hug your children no matter what age they are. Be an example to your children, who take you as a model as a parent, with your sweet words, active listening, and the respect and love you have for them. Every child is valuable and every child wants to grow up in a family environment that understands them, finds answers to their problems, and shares their joys and sorrows. Accept your children as individuals, then your communication will be healthier.
To Be an Active Listener:
• Take time to listen. Avoid distractions as much as possible. You need to want to hear and understand what your child is trying to say and be open to helping the child with the concerns he or she is feeling at that moment. Some parents and children have found that they communicate best before bedtime or share during dinner.
• Set aside your own thoughts and perspectives and prepare yourself to receive information from your child. Focus your full attention on him/her and understand his/her experiences. To understand, put yourself in his/her shoes. Make him/her feel that you value his/her opinions and find them important, and be sensitive to his/her point of view.
• Listen to the message you hear, summarize it and repeat it to your child. This is called reflective listening. At an appropriate time, calmly express your thoughts about what he is trying to tell you. Don't repeat exactly what you heard, go into depth about what your child might be thinking and feeling. Remember that the words spoken may not be accurate and complete messages.
• The underlying messages may include your child's feelings, fears and concerns. Name these feelings. (To me it sounds like you're scared, you're sad… you're angry… you're happy.)
• Maintain eye contact while your child is talking. Show interest by nodding your head and occasionally adding neutral responses such as “Yes.. I understand...”. Encourage him to keep talking. Although these may seem passive reactions, they are an important part of communication.
• Accept and respect what your child says, even if it does not match your own ideas and expectations. You can do this by paying attention to what your child expresses and by not criticizing, judging or hindering what he says.
• Create opportunities for your child to solve the problems he encounters. Encourage and guide him.
• The active listening method will help your child understand his own emotions better and be less afraid of his negative emotions, bridges will be built between you and your child and will create warm bonds. It will also be useful for your child to solve his own problems and gain more control over his behavior and emotions. When your child sees you as an active listener, he or she will be more willing to listen to you and others. These door openers and conversation encouragers can be powerful facilitators for your child to communicate with you. They encourage children to start or continue talking. These also enable them to keep the ball in their court. It will not affect you getting the ball from him, but by asking questions, giving advice, instilling confidence or something like that. They do not affect your ability to impose your own ideas on him by doing so. These door openers completely exclude your ideas and thoughts from the communication process. They carry the message that you accept the child and respect him/her as an individual, and their effects are as follows: "You have the right to say what you feel." "I respect your feelings and thoughts."
2- Language of Acceptance: It relieves children's introversion. They express that they are comfortable telling even the worst things about themselves - no matter what they have done or felt. It is surprising on children when parents sincerely put into words their acceptance of their children. They create an impact. When some children start primary school, they may not prefer to tell their parents about the positive or negative events they experienced at school. In such cases, one of the most constructive and effective methods of responding to children's feelings or problems is simple door-opening questions, in other words, asking them to tell them more. These are responses that do not convey the parent's own ideas, judgments, or feelings, but encourage the child to share his or her own ideas, judgments, and feelings. They open the doors to the child and invite him to talk. The simplest of these are the following neutral responses:
“I understand.” “Oh.” “Hmm.” “How about this?” “Interesting.” “Really?” “Don't do it”
“Really?” “You did that, huh?” “Really?”
3- I Language - Magic Language
We generally use "you language" in communication. Sen messages do not express emotion. They usually include communication barriers such as giving orders, judging, and giving advice.
For example: “Don't talk anymore” “You shouldn't do it” “You are being naughty”
If the parent does not accept the child's behavior and tells the child how he feels because of that behavior, the message turns from a "YOU MESSAGE" to an "I MESSAGE". In other words, emotions speak in the "I" language. and a correct communication tool You will see that �.
I language is more effective in changing the child's behavior that his/her parents cannot accept, and it is also healthier for the child-parent relationship. The "I" language does not lead the child to resist or rebel. For example, is it correct to say to a child who is resisting to go out: "No, go to your room immediately, you cannot go out"; Otherwise, "I'm worried about you going out because it's dark." That's why I don't want you to go, but I can let you be with your friends early tomorrow.” Is it true to say? Of course, since the first sentence contains you messages, it will cause resistance or rebellion in the child. However, since the expression of emotions is in question in the second sentence, it is more effective to use I language. Because the I language transfers the responsibility of changing behavior to the child.
What should be done to establish healthier communication and raise healthy individuals;
Take your child's feelings and thoughts into consideration. Ask him to explain his feelings about an event he experienced or witnessed at school. You can help them explain what they are feeling with leading questions such as “Are you scared,” “Are you excited,” or “Are you happy?” Over time, he will learn to express his feelings easily and accurately.
Reward them for their achievements and praise their correct behavior.
Do not avoid criticizing children when necessary. Criticize his faulty behavior, not his personality. Use “I” language when criticizing. The sentence "I can't find space to work because you didn't clear my desk" is a non-threatening sentence. A mistake is easily accepted by the child, and responses such as "I didn't realize I messed up your table" will come. When listening to children, use expressions such as "uh-huh", "yes", "I'm listening", which makes them feel that you are listening to them. If you are listening silently, you should look at the child and encourage him to talk. Instead of saying new things, you can repeat what he said with short summaries.
Ask more specific questions instead of general questions. Instead of "How was school today?" "How did the science experiment you presented today turn out?"
Instead of giving advice, if you have experienced problems similar to his, you should share them. And it will be more useful if you explain. It will comfort him to know that the troubles he is experiencing are experienced by everyone and are not unique to him.
Read: 0
