Mothers must change now. More precisely, the masculine understanding and order that surrounds mothers and burns lives for the sake of a power and sphere of influence must change. Women should be given psychological spaces where they can experience the very valuable, though not sacred, thing called motherhood, alone with the child, without competing, by digesting the memory and partnership.
In the recent period, an idea that has been put forward from time to time has come to the fore again: Having the competence for parenthood. the idea that it should be. In fact, this idea is not new for the "educated" segment who see, hear and feel the pain of this society. You may have come across that the social problems discussed in friendly meetings are analyzed at the individual and family level. I think what is meant here is this: we are surrounded by individuals who are frauds, liars, and prone to physical and sexual violence. After all, these people are raised by a mother and father. What do these people do, what do they feed, what do they give to drink, what do they teach that these people become a threat to the whole society. Are the parents of a slanderer, a harasser, a suicide bomber different from others? Does every child really grow up like a diamond if they have "conscious" and "competent" parents? It is not possible to predict this. We know that, unfortunately, sufficient and effective parenting style is not the only condition for people to be psychologically and socially healthy. In the field of psychological sciences, human development appears to be the product of a gene-environment interaction. This means that we are born with a genetic infrastructure, we are raised by caregivers, and we develop by being exposed to the effects of the environment in the process that begins with education life. The purpose of this multifactorial explanation is not to minimize the role of mother, father, and extended family. On the contrary, we have a lot of data about how key it is. However, what I want to emphasize in this article within this broad subject is “motherhood” and how it is shaped by the culture and age in which it is lived. Perhaps this perspective will allow us to evaluate at the cultural level the processes that bring people to emphasize "parenting capacity".
We live in a culture where motherhood has a meaning far beyond "womanhood" and is even sanctified. Fertility, which may be just one of the characteristics that a woman carries within her entire existence, is an important factor for all women. It prevents the understanding of the present. Women who scream that they do not have to marry and give birth are tried to be silenced and intimidated. However, not every woman has to be a mother, and it is her most natural right not to want the identity of motherhood among her identities. There is no problem so far, but we know that this rejection is not possible for the overwhelming majority of women. We are the homeland of child brides who were forced to marry, leaving behind their dolls. Women are intimidated by physical and sexual traumas so intense that they cannot say, "We are women first." While this is the reality, the issue is shifting from an overly blessed awareness of motherhood to forced motherhood. As people like me who work in the field of mental health or who have knowledge of all segments of society due to their work or life, we know that these "forced" mothers are mostly unhappy, depressed and exhausted. Those who are seen as a milk machine after motherhood, those who experience anger outbursts at home and feel remorse for beating their children, those who are beaten by their mother-in-law, father-in-law, and father-in-law, those who are tormented by excessive and fictitious jealousy, those who spend years without having enough money to meet any needs of the house, let alone their own pocket money. In short, from our point of view, no matter how blessed "motherhood" is, it does not open the door to a humane life for women. The husband does not allow it, the horse does not allow it, the power does not allow it, the state does not allow it.
And yet, children are growing up in this "surrounded motherhood". While the child's most basic need is not only to be fed but also to be noticed, responded to, understood and mirrored, the child hits a hard wall. There is a hug but no warmth, there is a face but no expression, there is protection but no ownership. When you ask, the "Turkish Mother" is very self-sacrificing and always struggles for her children. She doesn't eat, she feeds, she doesn't drink, she gives him drink. But “would your mother understand you, would she know you, would she show her love and affection?” When you ask, there is a long silence. We remain silent because that deprivation has no language. There is no replacement for what is lost there. There is no compensation for the slap your mother gave - in every sense of the word. In this culture, the most natural developmental needs are despised. The family lives and the special destiny grows within the child. The only way out of this chaos is on the mother's knees, but it takes years to find the courage to stand up to her. Therefore, being a mother in this society Being a child is also difficult. Even if the mother is distant, aloof, self-focused and harsh, it is difficult, even if she is protective, watchful, normative and interventionist.
There is a situation in society that we experience deeply enough to be ingrained in our bones, but that we have difficulty in naming and positioning; masculine mothers. I don't think they are mentioned this way in the literature, but after my professional and personal experiences, this is how I perceive these mothers. I think their stereotype was "Semra Hanım" in a program whose name I don't remember right now. In fact, it was very familiar to all of us. The mother who rants, manipulates, subverts, oppresses and nullifies. A masculine fiction based on making the world miserable for his son, his wife, sometimes his husband and especially and preferably his daughter-in-law. I don't know if you can imagine how many there are, but trust me, there are a lot of them. At the simplest level, they function in a repertoire ranging from the tomato paste their daughter-in-law leaves in the refrigerator, to the frequency of her son and daughter-in-law being together, from her grandchild's clothes to her son-in-law's phone call. Although this masculine power is generally established in the son and his wife, it is also seen in the daughter. It is a psychological knowledge that mothers, whom I refer to as masculine, grasp the "phallus" they do not have with their sons, and as expected, they do not let go of this power for a lifetime. But unfortunately we know more. We witness that this power is used for manipulations that lead to violence. Even though I feel ashamed to say it, there are women who provoke their sons and family members to beat their brides. These people are also mothers. Maybe they, as a girl, come from a family where all moral/material investment is made in the brothers. Ultimately, it may be important to understand the needs and motivations of these masculine mothers. But it can be difficult to empathize with the passive-aggressive, grandiose, and intrusive ways of these mothers. Especially as I work with children and their spouses, who are victims of this style.
There are other motherhood styles that we perceive as very different from the type of mother I mentioned, but in which I see very similar dynamics. Women who live in metropolitan cities, are well-educated, feel socioeconomically strong, and believe that they have more equal marriages. The most prominent of these mothers are referred to as "influencer" mothers on social media. In short, they make an impact . They call thousands of mothers to perfect motherhood. How to feed the child, how to put him to sleep, how to answer when asked a question. They provide this and hundreds of other “motherhood tips”. Now you may ask, what are the familial or social harms of these mothers? First of all, this trend of chasing the perfect motherhood comes hand in hand with many mistakes. Theories and studies on developmental psychology show that the child's need is not a perfect mother, but a "good enough mother." There are mistakes in motherhood caused by many reasons, and these breaks are necessary for the child's psyche. For example, a mother may forget to turn off the megaphone she is using to monitor her child from another room, and may experience that the person called "mother" cannot respond immediately whenever the child cries. However, the newfangled concept of super motherhood does not allow this. He always needs to be with you, always collect you, always intervene. This protectionism reaches such a point that, even before the child reaches school age, he or she may intervene with another child who has just been weaned or with his or her parents in order to protect his or her own child's rights. This is how the "parent terror", which became more evident in the following years, bombarded the actually very natural processes between parents and children, and reached the point that "the most valuable, most different, most talented, most special" child is my child. The result? There are lonely and introverted children who always feel privileged, who always perceive others as rivals and threats, who cannot establish deep relationships...
So why do mothers do this? Which mother would want to harm her child? Of course, this is not the purpose of women, but they are “beleaguered mothers”. They are trying to regain their values that have been lost for centuries in the madness of the modern age. That's why they can't stand being ordinary, remaining passive, and letting things take their natural course. That's why, when their sons come with a woman they consider physically mediocre, they reject her as unworthy of their son. This is also why, while waiting in line for the slide, they are far from humane enough to put a 3-year-old child or his mother in their place by stepping forward and taking their child's turn. In short, old traditional motherhood styles are not very different from the current understanding of motherhood. The aim is always to regain that lost identity. women children Let them make a career. However, when the mother-child relationship turns into a defense area, the lines become confused. It is filled with victimized children who are longing for their mothers' knees even though they are at their knees. Mothers must change now. More precisely, the masculine understanding and order that surrounds mothers and burns lives for the sake of a power and sphere of influence must change. Women should be given psychological spaces where they can experience the very valuable, though not sacred, thing called motherhood, alone with the child, without competing, by digesting the memory and partnership. Seen this way, "motherhood license" is not very different from the proposal to implement intelligence tests in schools. This view is as fascistic as possible and could only be the subject of dystopian novels. All we need is to be alone with our mother who understands, embraces and embraces us...
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