Any life change - including good or bad events - is difficult. Although divorce is not an easy decision even for adults, facing this phenomenon for the child is often like the ground shifting beneath them. So, is it right to enter such a process and cause difficulties for children? Won't the effect be permanent? Trying to maintain an unsustainable marriage with the understanding that only the children will suffer may do more harm than good for the children. No matter how much attention is paid, children always feel the negative electricity in the environment. The clearest positive outcome we can say is that when marriages with a lot of violence and loud arguments end, the children experience relief rather than a negative impact. It is also a fact that the end of a marriage creates anger, fear, depression and feelings of guilt in the child - even in the adult - regardless of age.
The common point of all studies conducted with children whose parents divorce is that children feel responsible for the divorce. The truth is what they found. Children see themselves as the reason for their parents' divorce. For this reason, the first thing to do after a divorce decision is to share it with the children. And the child must learn this news from his parents, not from others. Especially he needs to learn from his parents.
So how should we explain this divorce situation to the child?
Before you start telling your child about your decision to divorce, you can start the topic by saying a few sentences about the beginning of your marriage. You know, people are born, they go to school, they have jobs, when they grow up they want to start a family and they get married. When me and your father got to know each other, we decided we wanted to start a family. We loved each other very much and got married. But after we got married, we realized that we could not agree on some issues. Your father and I realized that we wanted to lead different lives. While we got along very well with each other at first, later on, both your father and I decided that we wanted to live different lives. Any reason given to the child should not be a lie, but it should not be accusatory or humiliating. "While we were able to get along with each other at first, we decided that we couldn't get along anymore and wanted to live separately." make the discourse explanatory for the child. suck. When saying these things to the child, the most important thing that parents should pay attention to is not to blame each other. It would be helpful for the child to hear that, after all these conversations, it was not easy to make this decision and that you are sorry for this decision. When you express your feelings clearly, the child can share his/her own feelings easily.
An important issue during divorce is that the parents agree to act within the limits of mutual respect. It is their agreement to act within the marriage. Whatever happened within the marriage has now ended with the divorce. Now, as a mother and father, you are responsible for your child. After divorce, you have to decide how you will continue to fulfill these responsibilities as a parent. It is also important for the development of the child to share the responsibilities of the children jointly in recent years, seeing how damaging it is for the mother to bear all the responsibility of the child and the father being a figure that appears from time to time. Both mother and father are indispensable for the child. The child must have equal access to both parents. Divorce brings more responsibility, less control. Unfortunately, you cannot decide how your child will be cared for while with the other parent, but responsible parents can take care to ensure that the child lives under similar rules in both homes. This is necessary for the development of the child. Of course, it is difficult to be friendly with your divorced spouse or to act like the old days, but over time, you will need an adult-adult relationship where you can talk to your children, make joint decisions, and be in the same environment. It has been observed that children of parents who play a supportive role are positively affected by this.
*This article was compiled from Consultant Psychologist Ani Eryorulmaz's book 'Oh, I'm Getting Divorced!' To get more comprehensive information, it is recommended that you read the book 'Oh, I'm Getting Divorced!'
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