In the case formulation I prepared at the beginning of my therapies, I identify the problematic, conflicting areas and supportive and compatible areas of my clients. While our conflicted areas are areas that we want to fix, improve and if we cannot update, we get stuck in our lives; our compatible areas are those that remind us that we are a “good, successful person” and support us in standing up. Conflict areas are the areas that I like to work in therapy, because these areas are areas that contain vicious circles, knots, blind areas, which are usually formed by the subconsciousness of early childhood experiences. According to our own subconscious choices, 5-6 titles are very important for us, out of about 20-30 titles that we can list such as family relations, romantic relations, friendship relations, professional issues, health, money, religion-belief. We experience balance in some of these areas and conflict in others. These areas can be internal or external, as well as the areas of conflict and balance, of course, depending on the periods of our lives. .
While what I have told so far is about the issues that many therapists pay attention to and work in the therapy process, albeit from different schools, what I will tell from here onwards includes a slightly different perspective.
Of course, we all want to experience balance in all areas of our lives. What if we unconsciously want to experience conflict in some areas of our lives, and we act quite harmoniously in some areas to convince ourselves and our environment that we are right in this conflict?
I would like to give a harsh example of this theory. In researches on pedophiles or serial killers, it is seen that these people are observed as very good, calm, trouble-free and harmonious people by their environment. I had previously interpreted this observation as a form of camouflage, as many others might think, getting along with one's surroundings. Well, what if this is not the answer, that is, one's life she is doing such bad things in one area of her life that she has such an intense discharge that she acts as a very compatible person in other areas of her life. This harmonious, balanced attitude may be related to the psychology of guilt or to meeting one's need for conflict. A person who submits to a cruel partner, but is successful in all other areas of his life, even breaks his own and exhibits a strong character, may be meeting his need for conflict through his cruel partner through victimization. He may be expressing the situations that he will be a victim of by attracting himself or by showing self-harming behaviors such as alcohol-substance use.
“I have an alcohol, a cigarette. I am on my own. I am not harming anyone. Don't let those around me interfere with me." You must have heard this expression somewhere. Could the person actually know that alcohol is harmful and try to be compatible in other areas of his life with a guilty conscience? However, perhaps the person opens a quota of sins for himself. Perhaps conflict is exaggerated because balance is exaggerated.
My goal here is not to generalize, but to understand the nature of balance and conflict. What if our problem areas in our lives are simply due to our need for inner conflict? If our answer is correct, what we need to do is not to work with the problematic areas of our lives, but to notice and understand our inner conflicts and focus on our conflicts. We will either reduce our need for conflict and resolve it, or choose to channel our conflicts for our personal benefit.
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