Although we know that our family and the experiences we have as children are important, we often fail to realize how the various situations experienced during this period affect our adult lives. However, even though we may not realize it, our family's behavior significantly affects our thoughts, behaviors, decisions and emotions today.
When we think about our childhood, we often conclude that our family is "good" or "bad". If there is no violence, abuse, insults or ignoring in the family, it is "good" and if there is, it is "bad". However, this kind of Black and White way of thinking does not fully reflect reality. Yes, maybe there were no bad words in the family, but how many good words were there? Yes, maybe we were not emotionally humiliated, but to what extent were our feelings cared about? Did we feel ourselves to be part of a group emotionally, or did we see our emotions as meaningless reproaches that tense the environment?
When we look at scientific studies, we see that, contrary to popular belief, our family does not need to be perfect in order to be a happy and functional adult. Our minimum need is to have a "good enough" family. Due to the nature of being human, we cannot expect all of our family members to be flawless, but if these people respond to our emotional and physical needs "enough", we will be better prepared for the negative experiences that life will bring us.
So when does emotional neglect occur? If the parent neglects the child's emotions, does not notice them, does not ask questions about them or does not try to understand them, we have fallen into emotional neglect. Because it is not necessary for there to be bad behavior towards us in order for us to experience a negative situation. Even ignoring a justified emotion is enough to make us feel bad and worthless. Because for people born as creatures in need of care, "care" is not only a nice feeling but also the key to survival. Our mother's attention calms us when we cry, our father's attention gives us confidence when we cry, our brother's attention entertains us when we are bored. Now let's imagine that all these emotions are ignored. Someone doesn't make us cry, but they don't comfort us when we cry either. This How would you feel in this situation? Maybe you could have been angry at this person or blame yourself for crying.
Unfortunately, one of the saddest aspects of emotional neglect in the family is that most of the time, parents are not even aware of this neglect. Especially in cultures like ours, the expression of emotion is often undesirable. We are asked not to reveal our emotions too much so as not to appear weak or spoiled. Everyone must fulfill the task assigned to them and relieve themselves of the responsibility. If your family feeds you, gives you clothes and puts a roof over your head, isn't it spoiled to ask for more? You've heard this often. There are many depictions of the person in the role of “good father” or “good mother” as someone who does not eat and does not drink, because they are considered “good enough”. However, if being full would solve every problem in life, no one who is full would be expected to be sad, bored, angry or indifferent.
Most of the time, emotionally neglectful parents neglect not only their children's feelings, but also their friends', relatives' and even their own feelings. Because for them, even thinking about feelings may seem unnecessary or absurd. This is what makes emotional neglect dangerous. Family members may not see a problem because everyone in the family is well-fed, well-ironed and in good health. However, if no one has sincere conversations with each other, if no one shares their problems and issues that upset them, and if no one can pour out their feelings knowing that they will not be judged, there is a problem. If this situation continues since childhood, we often do not learn enough from our parents how to regulate our emotions and where and how we should react. In this case, when we experience an emotion at a different level, we do not know what to do and cannot resolve the confusion.
Jonice Webb wrote the following 8 items that will show the presence of emotional neglect in your family:
The conversations you have with your family are usually superficial. You rarely share emotional, meaningful, painful, or negative topics with them. In fact, that's why your interactions often feel boring.
You sometimes have to explain things to your parents. You experience a feeling of anger and resentment (you may even feel guilty for experiencing these)
You go to meet your family with the possibility that you will be happy, but often return indifferent or disappointed.
Interpersonal or difficult problems within the family are often ignored or ignored without addressing them.
Sometimes you get the feeling that your siblings are competing among themselves for something you are not sure about.
Family members show their positive feelings with actions, not words. (doing something for someone rather than telling them you love them).
Emotions - maybe negative emotions, but sometimes all emotions are seen as a taboo subject that cannot be talked about within the family.
You feel strangely lonely or isolated when you are with your family.
Members of emotionally neglectful families really suffer. It is a very negative situation when our feelings are not noticed, approved and not talked about. If you notice that you feel this way when you are around your family, you can see that some of the 8 items above apply to your family as well. According to Webb, just like a cake made without sugar, these families appear to be good on the outside, but inside they actually have a tasteless and tasteless life. Things seem "as they should be" from the outside, but those within the family feel unhappy, sad and neglected.
Unfortunately, it is very, very difficult to change family members. Rather than trying to reverse such a pattern of behavior, we should focus on the one place we truly have the power to change: ourselves. Most of the time, these situations experienced in the family spread to other relationships in our lives. We are also indifferent to other people's - or our own - feelings. We ignore them or don't focus on them enough. We fulfill our duty on paper, but we do not establish a meaningful bond.
The first step in overcoming a problem is recognizing it. If you have noticed these problems, do not be afraid, you are neither the first nor the last person to experience such a situation. Many people have experienced and overcome such situations. That's the important thing It is the exact opposite of negativity, that is, not trying to be the “perfect” person. The idea of “perfection” sets the stones on the path that will lead us to negativity and loss. Instead, as I wrote at the beginning, we should try to be “good enough”. We should think of it like a muscle. Just as people who start exercising do not directly start with the heaviest weight, they increase their weight over time, and we focus on the emotional loads we can handle and expand this range over time. We start with ourselves first and after we achieve this, we go to help others.
If you experience elements of emotional neglect at your next family gathering or friend gathering, take the opposite approach. Be the one to take the first step. Talk about your feelings and problems. In this way, you can be an example to others. By practicing, you show them that emotions should not be feared. In this way, you can actually see how hesitant most people are to share their feelings.
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