Especially after a long, tiring, problem-filled day, it may be inevitable for you to automatically return to the behavioral patterns you know well. However, as you see the results these bring to your relationship with your children, you may see opportunities to make better choices that will improve the quality of your relationship and strengthen your belief that you can make changes in your life.
To increase your awareness, we will first examine the basic psychological values and emotions that the family provides to children. What should I give to my child is on every parent's mind? There is a question of what and how much am I giving? Am I enough? Am I inadequate? We question ourselves with questions like these. Although the answers to these questions are different for each of us, the basic emotions that we should not provide to our children as a family are known.
The basic emotions and benefits we provide to our children within the family;
1. THE SENSE OF VALUATION: Interaction within the family. It leads children to either feel "I am valuable" or "I am worthless". If this need is not met within the family, the child tries to achieve this feeling with all kinds of behavior. An individual who achieves the feeling of "I am valuable" within the family does not need to engage in extreme behavior to prove himself.
2.ENVIRONMENT OF TRUST: The feeling that the members of the family are safe and that dangerous events outside will not enter the family is the main reason for this need. If the child does not find himself safe at home, the child turns to a place outside the family. He breaks ties with his family.
3. SENSE OF CLOSENESS AND SOLIDARITY: If there is basic trust and solidarity within the family, stressful negative events faced by the individual outside the family will not have a devastating effect. The family, where the sense of trust is dominant, saves itself from the troubles and concerns created by the outside world. People in this type of family trust their surroundings as well as themselves. If trust and solidarity are not established within the family, these people experience intense stress and tension. These people cannot even trust themselves. Therefore, they cannot establish close relationships around them.
4. SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY: Mothers and fathers within the family system express their sense of responsibility with their behavior and words. Everyone in the family, not just the parents shares the sense of responsibility. Of course, children should be given responsibilities in proportion to their age. Mothers and fathers who take all the responsibility on themselves and relieve their children of responsibility raise individuals who are incapable of shaping their own lives and are constantly under the control of others. Individuals raised as a result of such attitudes constantly hold others responsible for the events in their lives. Considering the developmental period, the child can be given responsibility for matters such as tidying up his/her room and helping with the housework. While doing this, boys' and girls' affairs should not be separated with clear lines.
5. LEARNING TO OVERCOME DIFFICULTIES BY FIGHTING THEM: Everything should not be given to the child ready-made. What is explained about the development of a sense of responsibility is about struggling with difficulties. Considering the developmental stage of the child, the child should be left alone with his own problems. This is necessary to enable them to deal with difficult problems and to grow up as individuals with self-confident problem-solving skills. Children of parents who help excessively in every difficulty they encounter are constantly dependent on others and insecure about themselves. Such people cannot discover their talents.
6. HAPPINESS AND SELF-FULFILLMENT ENVIRONMENT: The family environment is an environment of happiness. Meeting the needs described so far brings happiness. The individual who feels valued at home becomes happy, gets satisfaction from the things he does, and finds the opportunity to realize himself.
We have practical options to provide these basic emotions. The suggestions below will help you develop awareness about your behavior and draw a road map for conscious parenting in your relationships with your children, instead of acting with reflexes, automatic behaviors, reactions, expectations and words.
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Determine your parenting goals. Set short- and long-term goals by thinking about what you want your relationship to be like.
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Be standard in your behavior towards your children, both in the presence of others and privately, and maintain care in both situations. ;
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Identify the problematic aspects of your relationship with your children and stick small notes where you can see them to remind you of this.
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Ask yourself what can I do to improve the quality of the relationship? Create an action plan for your answers.
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Listen to your children and hear what they say. Take their comments seriously.
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Appreciate your successes and positive developments after the change.
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When you do something wrong, think about how you can fix it next time. Focus on correcting your mistake, not on getting angry or demoralized at yourself for your past misbehavior.
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Take breaks for yourself, even if short, during the day. Relax, focus your attention on gathering your strength to refocus on your goal.
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Share life with your children and be with them as they explore the world.
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