“I wonder what the people in my class think about me?” “I wish I had a magic wand, I could find out what people think about me” or while preparing a presentation or assignment“They definitely noticed my flaws.” Do thoughts like … come to your mind?
If you have these thoughts frequently, we can say that you have what we call the "Imperfection" schema. Children and adolescents with this schema avoid establishing relationships with people so that the flaws they think they have are not noticed. Feelings of shame prevail; Therefore, they focus on the feeling of shame rather than on the relationship/communication they are in, which prevents children from staying in the moment.
If your children say "No good deed I do is seen, I am not appreciated", please Pay attention to this sentence. If children make this sentence, this mindset is not today's. We can say that they have similar experiences in the 0-6 age period, which we call early childhood structuring. It's just that they have now become more expressive and can shout louder.
They may have been belittled or punished by their parents or family members in their early childhood. Every step the child took was followed by controlling eyes; The situation that started with warnings may have continued with increasing voices and attitudes.
On the other hand, you may have made your children feel "disappointment" at a very young age. It is a common situation that occurs in parents whose relationships are not going well or when one of the parties does not want to have children. Parents may not say it directly, but if they expect their children to take on the role of savior of their marriage; When that expectation is not met, he makes his child feel this feeling every time.
Talking about issues related to your child in front of others, especially sharing the mistakes he/she has made; It is the worst thing you can do to your children. Your child feels incomplete, inadequate and always flawed, and he puts this into play for most of his life; never do anything good He convinces himself that he cannot.
He who harms himself. The defectiveness schema is felt frequently in children who slap or humiliate themselves (masochist). In reality, they think that the only thing they deserve is to inflict pain or harm on themselves. Sometimes they appear before us with an opposing thought. They try to devalue others in order to avoid feeling shame. (For example, by belittling their friends or exaggerating their friends' mistakes...)
If you can often feel this type of fault schema in your children or if you observe behaviors, I recommend that you frequently read articles about this. If these are not enough, it is important to get support from an expert. Because every situation, event or psychological problem that we think will go away as a child these days may appear in a more complex way as we get older.
Listen to these!
*Fault schema If you want to wage war, I suggest you first stop fighting with this scheme. Accepting the situation as it is; being fully aware of positive and negative emotions; is the first step to recovery.
* Prepare small cards or reminders that will remind you of your good and strong aspects in your daily life. For example; Seeing what a hard-working person you are on your phone screen at all times; It will make you feel better.
* Do not allow people to treat you badly, insult you, or treat you disrespectfully. This means ending unhealthy relationships that try to pull us down, even if it is a member of our family; It is one of the most important steps we can take.
* Accept love, compliments and appreciation! Yes, you heard right! For example; When you are told you look beautiful, try thanking and accepting this compliment instead of replying "that's your beauty". Rest assured, it will come in handy.
* Protect yourself, defend your rights and draw your boundaries very well.
* Every day, ask yourself the question "What did I do better today?" and talk about it. take notes. Never ask what was bad.
* Finally, don't forget to hug yourself. Because you are the most valuable one.
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