Freud, the founder of psychoanalytic theory, attributes mate selection to the closeness and admiration children feel towards the opposite-sex parent from their parents, and states that through unconscious complex processes, girls choose partners with father's characteristics and boys with mother's characteristics. (Myers 1988). There are two opposing views on whether the characteristics of spouses should be "similar" or "different" characteristics compared to each other. Bilen (1994) describes these two views as "common characteristics" (homogami) and "opposite characteristics" (heterogamy) views.
Common Characteristics Theory in Choosing a Mate
According to the "Common characteristics" view in choosing a spouse, it is believed that having many similar aspects of the people to be married will increase the chance of success in marriage. Accordingly, when choosing a spouse, the parties must choose people whose characteristics are similar to their own. In this type of marriage, spouses are expected to be significantly close and similar to each other in terms of economic status, religious belief, race, education, age, and social values.
In such a family, which has a homogeneous structure in terms of qualities, incomprehension and conflict occur. It is stated that their problems will be few and their chances of being happy will be high. In addition, problems that may arise in such marriages can be solved with realistic and objective approaches, since interaction is easy. Because it is easier for spouses to understand each other.
Contrasting Characteristics Theory in Partner Selection
According to the "Opposite Characteristics Theory" in spouse selection (Winch, 1958), It is believed that when choosing a spouse, individuals choose people who have qualities they do not have, which will increase the success of marriage. It is stated that opposites like each other and that a directive man may be attracted to a submissive woman.
It is beneficial and valid for the parties to have opposite characteristics when choosing a spouse, and if couples with opposite qualities come together, the topics and experiences discussed will also be different. It is stated that it will gain diversity and richness.
The fact that opposites attract each other means that there are other things beyond the individual qualities of the parties in choosing a spouse and It suggests that marriage is a complex process.
Complementary Needs View
Complementary needs theory states that individual "satisfaction of needs" is important in choosing a partner. states that partners with similar and complementary characteristics will lead to success (Centers, 1975). It states that the basic needs of individuals are different from each other and that some needs are more important than others. It points out that some needs are more important for men and some for women, depending on gender, and emphasizes that people mutually like each other because of their "similar" and "complementary" needs.
Stimulus-Value-Role Theory
The words "Stimulus", "Value", "Role" in the name of the theory are used by couples to get to know each other. It highlights the three stages of the "courtship and friendship" period. According to Murstein (1982), who developed the "stimulus-value-role theory", spouses choose individuals who try to treat them best. Spouses test and try each other's "usefulness" and "loyalty" at different points in their relationship. This process of testing and reviewing the partner is carried out within the three stages of the "courting" period of the parties mentioned above. Initial evaluations are made according to the external appearance, social and mental characteristics of the parties. If the first impression is good, the second period begins, the "comparison of values" period. This is a period in which the compatibility of people's interests, attitudes, beliefs and needs is determined and expressed "verbally" During the last period or "role period", spouses test and try whether their roles are "complementary" or "compatible" in marriage and togetherness and come to a conclusion.
Evaluation of Theories
Those who evaluate and criticize different theories and views on choosing a spouse mostly support the view of "common characteristics" and argue that people who have many similarities in choosing a spouse will choose a partner. They state that marriages may have a higher chance of success. Those who hold this view state that when two people, a man and a woman, who have different environments, needs, feelings and thoughts until a certain age come together, having many "similar" aspects will make it easier to live together, and as the common features increase, the chance of harmony in marriage will increase.
Spouse Selection Approaches in Our Country
Two basic approaches are followed in our country regarding "mate selection". In the first approach, young people agree among themselves and determine their future spouses and then submit them to their families for approval. In the second approach, families choose spouses on behalf of their children.
Traditional Spouse Selection Approach
Especially in rural areas, families who want to marry their sons; Starting from close relatives and neighbors, and with the help of acquaintances, they go out looking for a girl. In this method, also known as the "seeker" method, the seer group visits suitable homes where there are girls and works like an "observation" group, collecting information about the girls. During the meeting, the bride candidate or candidates are determined by paying attention to the girl's skill, cleanliness, respect, loyalty and purity, the family's history and socio-economic characteristics.
These candidate or candidates are then followed closely and monitored, sometimes with unannounced visits in the form of raids. Its workmanship and cleanliness are evident. With these observations and visits, the girl; She is tested both in terms of her "female status" and "whether she consents to marriage" because the girl knows the meaning and reason for the behavior of the visits, a kind of pulse check is performed. Thus, bride candidates are determined and placed in a sort of order in terms of their characteristics such as their cooperation, skills, honor, manners and respect, devotion to their homes and traditions, and their desire to get married.
Asking for a Girl
After the family chooses and decides on a spouse for their son, a group of men and women called "dünircü" goes to the girl's house on a pre-determined day and time, so that the man's house clearly conveys his wish for marriage to the girl's house. God's command, Prophet They want the girl for their son, as per the words of "". Since the girl's house is a coy house", the majority of the elders of the girl's house do not answer "yes" at the first visit and the visits are made several times. If the parties reach an agreement at the end of the "thinking" process, they say, "May God bless you." "May it make you happy", wishes are prayed for, coffee, sugar, Turkish delight, etc. are offered. Thus, the girl is "done". When asking for a girl through arranged marriages, the girl and the boy are not visible. In cities, groom and bride candidates can also take part in these meetings. .
The Intercourse
According to traditions, the first step of marriage is a "verbal agreement" that initiates the relationship between two families. It is the tradition of announcing the marriage to the society. After the marriage ceremony or graduation ceremony, the "decision" is announced to everyone in a meeting where the relatives of the girl and the boy's family are invited. In this ceremony, the young people are given rings, various gifts are given, and items and dowries to be bought for the children are made. , wedding date, etc. Issues are discussed and decided upon. Intercourse can be thought of as a transaction that replaces the "Engagement" in the Turkish Civil Code. But if desired, the engagement can also be held with a larger group.
Wedding
At the end of the engagement or after the Engagement, which is a verbal and legal promise to marry, the spouse The selection and marriage process is carried out by making a legal marriage contract, "Nikah".
"Marriage by Meeting and Agreeing" Approach
With the rapid change in society The traditional marriage method, arranged marriage, is being replaced by "marriage by meeting". Although marriage by acquaintance eliminates many of the drawbacks of arranged marriage, it has brought with it other new drawbacks. In fact, the problem of choosing a spouse is a universal problem and exists in every society. It is not easy for two people of the opposite sex who have different dreams and expectations to meet and get to know each other well before marriage. Another issue is the possibility of the romantic attraction factor being biased in the couples' relationships and selection process. The parties do not examine each other with the help of reason and logic, but rather with emotional attitudes, and the desire to marry in the back of their minds is only mutually exclusive. They try to show their best sides and hide their weaknesses and shortcomings, which are thought to be disliked by the other party.
In such a choice, when the romantic feelings of the friendship period after marriage subside and they begin to see each other with the eyes of their minds and appear as they are, without pretense, The likelihood of disputes arising also increases. In the face of dreams that are difficult to come true and the realities and requirements of marriage that should be natural, the dreams of the spouses become dark, their expectations are not realized, they turn into unhappy people, disagreements, criticism of each other, attempts to put the blame on the other begin. Couples who are in a position to choose a spouse and get married by meeting and agreeing should see each other, talk to each other, get an idea about each other from their attitudes and conversations, and make their decisions by following a rational and realistic attitude.
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