As a couples therapist, some of the most common sentences I hear are: "I don't know if I'm attached to him or not." or “I can't tell anymore if it's a habit or if I really want to be with him.”
Actually, these and similar questions lead us to two concepts that are an important boundary in the relationship; attachment, addiction. Which ones do you experience in the relationship and what are the possible positive/negative consequences of experiencing these on your relationship/marriage?
Let's start by looking a little more closely at these two concepts. The concept of attachment is a concept studied by Bowlby, who bases the relationship between adults on our attachment to childhood attachment objects. Although this concept is primarily used to make sense of the relationship between the child and the caregiver, today we know that this bond also plays an important role in our romantic relationships in adults.
Human is a creature born prematurely; Unlike other mammals, it cannot stand up and join the herd a few hours after birth. That's why they live dependent and dependent on someone else for a long time, and their attachment style depends on the relationship they establish with this caregiver and is of vital importance. The sense of trust we gain, especially in the first three years of life, is very decisive on the relationships we will establish in the future and our emotional world.
Not only romantic relationships, but also friendship relationships, business relationships, and relationships with authority are affected by our attachment style. How we connect; It also determines our relationship with ourselves and life, our level of self-actualization and the satisfaction we get from life.
When we look at the developmental stage in attachment theory, we also see a difference between attachment and addiction. According to Mary Ainsworth, babies often see attachment figures as a safe base while exploring the environment. When they feel in danger they turn to him for protection and security. Securely attached babies have self-confidence in the presence of their caregivers and therefore in their interactions with the world. We see that these people are more securely connected and ready to explore the world.
When we look at the explanations about people who are prone to dependent attachment, the interpersonal approach is He also says that some different developments play a role in the communication between the caregiving adult and the child. A child who receives adequate care forms a strong bond with his or her caregiver, which includes the capacity for basic security and the feeling that the world is a safe place to meet his or her basic biological and emotional needs. As they learn to crawl, they organize small expeditions to their surroundings and use their caregivers as a safe haven if they need them during this trip. However, some parents do not allow their children to develop independently. Instead of letting their child's curiosity and free will come out on their own, they meet their child's habits and needs themselves, memorize the subtleties of their biological rhythm and temperament, and give birth to nine to make them comfortable. In fact, what they do is to bring the world to the child's doorstep, eliminating the child's need to explore the world.
In summary, people who are prone to establishing dependent relationships start their lives by establishing a normal/safe bond, and then caregivers either because they enjoy the closeness provided by the addicted child or because it may cause other problems in the future. The child is not allowed to gain autonomy because they are afraid of any kind of deprivation. The result is a submissive child who finds it normal to be controlled and whose independence, which violates the standards of his former relationships, arouses intense feelings of guilt. And this relationship pattern occurs in romantic relationships as well as in all other forms of attachment.
Attachment is generally viewed more positively and is used in reference to a special relationship in which one seeks to be close to someone who is stronger or wiser than oneself. This closeness makes the attached person feel safe. Addiction, on the other hand, is behavior that does not target anyone in particular, but generally aims to obtain support, guidance and approval.
When looked at from the point of commitment-addiction, it is a social opinion that addiction is mostly attributed to women or is expected from them. However, research shows that this issue is independent of gender and is very close to both genders. Bornstein(1992) conscious investigated whether there is a similar difference between men and women in projective tests to measure motives that are not within the scope of awareness, fall within the boundaries of the unconscious, and cannot be accessed through personal declaration. Women report higher levels of addiction than men when asked about their self-reports, but projective measures yield similar addiction scores in women and men. Traditionally, men have learned to express their addiction more indirectly; Women, on the other hand, can express it more directly and openly.
Addiction in a relationship is often a process that begins with one of the people being prone to it and the other being able to tolerate it; In fact, not only does one person have a relationship style that is prone to addiction, but the other partner also meets or adapts to this, resulting in an addictive relationship pattern.
At this point, it may be a differentiating point to look at yourself, your partner, and your relationship and ask the following questions:
*How much do you prioritize your own wishes and desires when making a decision? , how much do you put your own well-being on the back burner for the sake of another person in your life?
*Do you tend to apologize immediately when there is a problem in your relationships, even though the other party has more responsibility in this situation?
*How inclined are you to take initiative and make your own decisions for your own life? Or do you outsource these decisions to someone else you see as confident and in control?
*How do you feel about breaking up with your partner or someone you care about? Do you ever avoid breaking up even when you know it is necessary?
*How do you feel when a relationship ends beyond your control? Every breakup is definitely painful, but do you experience the breakup in a way that you lose yourself?
*Do you need someone else's advice even in ordinary daily decisions?
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*How do you feel about starting new businesses and navigating unfamiliar areas?
*How do you handle this situation when you have to survive on your own and face problems?
Of course, these items are not explanations sufficient to make a diagnosis. The reason why I listed these is to enable you to trace them in yourself, to self-evaluate, and to look at the relationships you have (not necessarily just romantic relationships, of course) from a different perspective.
As I mentioned before, there must be two people for a dependent relationship; the person prone to addiction and the partner who can accommodate and adapt. After a certain time, this equation can shift to a point that can wear out both parties and the relationship. While two people coming together in equality provides a much wider comfort zone; I think that staying in this pattern for a long time is an important limitation and harm, so to speak, to both yourself and your relationship.
Lastly, I would like to express that when I talk about this pattern, I am aware that this is not done consciously. It is an important step to realize that this process is repeated in all your relationships and that you now want to break this chain. Working on this with an expert in the next process will be an important gift to yourself and your relationships.
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