Setting rules and limits for children is a psychological and developmental need for the benefit of the child. For the child's mental and physical well-being and social harmony, he/she must know his/her limits and obey the rules. In this respect, the parents' approach is very important.
The child should not be approached too intrusively, and his/her behaviors that do not pose any psychological or physical danger should not be stopped. Otherwise, we will discourage the child's enthusiasm for curiosity, exploration and being an individual, and damage the safe and close relationship with the child. Telling the child to stop appropriately and setting rules and limits; It makes children feel safe and valuable. It increases children's motivation to comply with social rules, control their impulses, cooperate, explore, take responsibility and correct their mistakes. When we never stop the child and set limits; The likelihood of exclusion, conflict and negative reactions at home and in society increases.
In our society, some children are more likely to have difficulties setting rules and limits. When we look at the characteristics of children at risk;
Being the first grandchild of the family,
Being born late or through assisted reproduction,
Experiencing a life-threatening situation during pregnancy or infancy,
Having a persistent physical illness,
Having a sibling die before him/her,
Living in a large family,
Both mother and father We encounter factors such as working,
His parents are divorced or experiencing the loss of a parent,
He is active, impatient, stubborn.
What should be taken into consideration when warning children?
Children are very good observers, they easily notice who says stop and when, in which situations the rules change, who obeys the rules and who does not, and what they do can exceed the rules. The actions we take are more effective on children than what we say. If we apply the behaviors we expect from the child in our own lives, most of the time there will not even be a need to warn.
If you hit your child when he does not do what you want, he will try to get what he wants by hitting when it is not what he wants. When some families set rules for their children, they experience concerns such as "if he doesn't like me, if he gets psychologically upset, if he loses self-confidence, if he becomes unhappy". But adult Even though we are citizens, we falter when we enter a society whose rules we do not know. Children also experience confusion and distrust when parents don't set rules or when rules change frequently. This situation negatively affects the relationship with other people, especially the relationship with the parents, and may cause the family to experience fearful situations without being aware of it and cause the child to be harmed.
Children want to do whatever they want, to have what they want instantly and not to be hindered. Because they are young, they have difficulty in postponing their wishes, waiting, controlling their anger and expressing themselves. Therefore, when they try to stop them, they try to get what they want by crying, stamping, shouting, throwing objects, and hitting themselves or others. As a parent, take into account the child's age, developmental level, personality traits and past experiences with the child and act appropriately. For example, instead of “No, you can't drink Coke,” you can calmly say, “Drinking Coke is not healthy for you, so you shouldn't drink it, if you want, we can squeeze orange juice and drink it together.” If the child does not accept, do not engage in mutual stubbornness, arguing or bargaining. Your sentences should be short, clear, confident and determined, not angry or pleading. While you give detailed, reasonable, logical and convincing information and examples, your child may be thinking about what he needs to do to achieve his goal. If he behaves in a way that could be harmful to himself, you or his environment, calmly stop him. If there is no possibility that anyone will be harmed by his reaction, go to him, just make eye contact and quietly wait for him to calm down. If the child becomes uncomfortable being approached and the intensity of the reaction increases, move away from him and wait for him to calm down a little.
Do not offer bribes or rewards to the child to stop his reaction, such as "I'll give you chocolate or a phone if you stop crying." Doing so will reinforce the child's wrong attitude and increase the likelihood of it being repeated. If he comes to you when his anger subsides and repeats the same request, repeat your previous answer with the same determination and calmness. While it is wrong to say "yes" to children's requests that should be answered "no", it is more wrong to first say "no" and then change your decision to "yes". �shush. When you have difficulty setting rules and limits for children, do not threaten to complain to someone else (father, teacher, psychiatrist). This behavior will be understood by the child as "I cannot tell you no". Afterwards, it will be harder for you to set rules for the child and say no. If the rules and boundaries you set for your child change when you are alone, when guests come, when you are traveling or when you are visiting, your child will notice this. A child who obeys the rules and whom you can say stop to when you are alone may behave in unexpected ways and requests in other environments and may leave you in a difficult situation.
Parents' personality structure, mental and physical illness, financial difficulties, and problems between spouses make it difficult to set limits for children. If the attitudes of the mother and father are different in setting limits for the child, there will be a conflict about saying stop and the child will be confused. First of all, resolve the differences in attitudes between you, at least avoid arguing in front of the child or interfering with the other's rules. The child's difficulty in learning his limits is not only caused by the parents, but also by the child's character and psychological problems. For example, hyperactive children have serious difficulties in obeying rules and obeying because they are stubborn, impulsive, persistent and impatient. Parents sometimes ignore the child's situation and blame themselves or each other, thinking that the child did it on purpose. As a result, they try to solve the problem with a stricter attitude and enter a vicious circle.
It is very important that your relationship is good in order to set rules and limits for your child. Therefore, spend about half an hour every day playing games, laughing and relaxing together. Going out as a family once a week, doing enjoyable activities outside, and having a good time will improve your relationship.
The boundary that disrupts the relationship between parents and children, causes frequent arguments and mutual anger, and psychologically damages both parents and children. -In case of difficulties in setting rules, it is necessary to seek help from a child mental health specialist.
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