Many of us criticize ourselves harshly. We drown in our own internal criticisms such as 'I'm a terrible mother', 'I can never achieve that goal', 'I'm an idiot' or 'No one will love me'. So why do we do this to ourselves? When we start to question this, we may find ourselves making more self-criticism, such as "This is the reason I keep losing." or "I always criticize myself."
Instead of beating ourselves up with our inner voice in this way, when we take a step back and leave our inner critics alone, we will see that our inner voice is trying to protect us from potential failures, rejections and harm.
As humans, we have defense mechanisms. We have the Amygdala, and the oldest and fastest triggered of these is the Amygdala. When the amygdala receives a fear signal, it transmits danger signals to all parts of the brain, and we respond to these signals with one of the fight, flight or freeze responses. Although this response system is a very good strategy for the survival of animals living in the wild, it does not always work the same for humans. Because the threat we generally perceive is not protection from another animal, as in animals, but an attack on our self-concept, and in this case, our defense system uses the same system to stay safe:
War: An emotional fight with ourselves. We fight by using critical language.
Escape: We escape the distressing situation by using things such as food or alcohol to distract.
Freezing: We show a freezing reaction by repeatedly thinking about our perceived inadequacies.
With self-criticism, our fight or flight system, that is, our defense mechanism, becomes active. It should not be forgotten that our inner critic tries to avoid the danger and protect us by activating the "there is danger, stay alive" signals. Actually, his intentions are good. He wants us to be happy, but he doesn't know a better way to do it. Let's say, we may criticize ourselves for not going to the gym and attach thousands of labels to ourselves such as 'lazy' or 'sloppy'. With these labels, our inner critic thinks that if we don't go to the gym, we won't be healthy or we will be rejected by others. This may increase his anxiety even more with the thought of it. However, if our inner critic can embrace and accept this anxiety and concern with love and compassion, he can move the threat defense system to the security zone with the touch of self-compassion.
In addition to our defense mechanism, our attachment/connection styles are effective in shaping our self-criticism. The caregiver's voice and perception becomes our voice over time; This is how we relate to ourselves. If we receive a warm and compassionate approach from the caregiver, our perception and criticism of ourselves will be that much more compassionate. On the contrary, if we were raised by someone who constantly gave us negative messages (you can't do it, you're lazy, you're stupid, etc.), these messages can increase the level of our self-criticism.
So the next time we subject ourselves to harsh criticism, instead of beating ourselves up, turn to our inner critic. Let's thank them for their efforts, try to empathize with the child within us who has problems with attachment, and forgive ourselves for a mistake we made. These can be a good start to understanding our own critic and walking on the same path.
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