In the days of the pandemic, we were left alone with the fear of death and the stress of uncertainty. In these days when we asked ourselves many questions, my path crossed with Yalom's book "Looking at the Sun, Confronting Death". Yalom is one of the pioneers of existential therapy. It emphasizes that people face four basic concerns about their existence throughout their lives. In other words, he states that our problems in both the interpersonal and individual domains are related to these four basic issues (death, loneliness, meaning of life and freedom). I also wanted to address the fear of death and the waking experience for those of us who reflect and worry about their existence.
“How sad that everything (relationships, achievements, fulfillment, and of course, life) is temporary!” Some of us carry the sentence in our language and some of us unconsciously. “Temporary” is something that deeply worries us all. One of the reasons we cannot stay in the moment is the anxiety of being temporary. In other words, this is why we fret over the past years, cling to our regrets, instead of enjoying the past. The passing years remind us that we are mortal and that the one who is gone will never come back. Or our worries about the future (such as getting old, being alone, losing our beauty or popularity, losing our energy) are the biggest obstacles to living the moment consciously and joyfully. level. Fear of death lies at the root of many psychological problems, especially anxiety disorders. So we can develop obsessive, protective rituals or become firmly attached to beliefs, relationships, cultural teachings. Our fear of death can also be hidden in investment experiences that we are not even aware of. Death is bad. Because it connotes abandonment or disappearance. In order not to disappear, we try to gain a place in life by leaving traces behind, becoming rich, famous, clinging to worship, and trying to be useful to people through our children.
Of course, it is very natural for death to shake us. The reason why we avoid thinking and talking about death is the shock of being temporary. This shake-up can enrich our lives. Have you ever thought about your future? What if we can live our lives more sincerely and freely with the awareness of being mortal? The obvious fear of death is fairly easy to recognize. Our questions about non-existence, leaving behind an unlived life, the inevitability of death are the clear form of fear of death. Or the question of where we will be after we die, the worry that our personal worlds will disappear, our deep thoughts about the meaningfulness of the temporary world… The intense emotions that this questioning brings may cause the individual to develop non-functional beliefs for self-preservation.
in generalized anxiety disorder, in which she experiences extreme anxiety about life; obsessive compulsive disorder in which obsessive thoughts and behaviors become limiting to daily life; panic disorder in which the person experiences seizures due to perceiving himself/herself in danger; hypochondria, where she experiences intense fear that she has a serious, undiagnosed medical illness; We cannot deny that fear of death is an important variable in post-traumatic stress disorder, which is shaped after a traumatic experience (such as death of a loved one, domestic violence, injury, illness, rape, accident).
When we consider the implicit fear of death, we can say that our anxiety hides in our unreasonable fears, nightmares, immortality projects, and certain life events. In our nightmares, we often run from death—either the mortality of someone we love or our own mortality. Fortunately, just when everything is over, we wake up from our sleep and continue our lives from where we left off. We have many immortality projects where we camouflage the fear of death like our nightmares. We are generally unaware of these projects. Our body, our children, the books we are trying to finish and many more goals… Therefore, we may feel very anxious in the face of a sign of aging, a defect in our body, the failure of our child or a project that we cannot complete. All this made us realize that we have limited power. It can be work.
Likewise, certain life events carry death anxiety. When we suffer from a serious illness or spend a single day with the suspicion of illness, when we witness the death of our strong role models, when we are exposed to traumatic experiences, when we see that our marriage, which we never thought would end, ended in divorce, we feel "temporary". As we think about these events, we see that death and the fear of death come to light. Death's "I am here!" Even though it worries us, this anxiety can turn into a waking experience.
What is the waking experience?
When we ignore death, our rituals become clearer and monotonous with each passing day. Each day is like a repeat of the previous day. Our loved ones, misses, dreams, regrets bypass our lives. Instead of emotional awareness, we adapt to the complexity of life. But if we are lucky, we start to ask questions about our life and existence, thanks to some experiences. The waking up experience starts at this very point.
The waking up experience is actually living every day as if it were the last. It is a powerful helper in making big changes in life. When we accept death, we realize that we are in full responsibility for our lives. No matter how much our lives depend on external factors, we begin to live by taking the responsibility of our percentage. What we gain, what we lose, our grievances, what others have, what others do lose their importance. Because we only have one moment. We begin to see that we have no other opportunity but the moment we have for a life we can live without regret. The awakening experience is the opportunity we get to not feel sorry for our youth we couldn't live, the words we couldn't say. It is accepting all the experiences (angry, sadness, joy, crying, laughing, winning, losing) that come with being human by seeing that pain is also a part of life. It is the key to being able to learn to love, to accept pain, to have compassion for yourself and others, to appreciate your existence.
Some turning points in life are quite meaningful for the waking experience. After birthdays, anniversaries or reunions with old friends “Wow!” we have said. Sometimes life experiences that can be considered turning points and sometimes a dream start us thinking about our mortality and how we should live. Or the loss of a loved one confronts the survivor with his or her own mortality. Facing death can cause us to question the meaning of life and make us sad. Facing death brings anxiety, but it also has the potential to enrich life.
We are often too preoccupied with the "how" of people, what we wear, what we do. We neglect to focus on the "miracle of Existence" itself in the complexity of daily life. On the other hand, we see that many people who are faced with death due to cancer develop and get satisfaction from life instead of diving into a sea of grief. Most of the time, we think that if we were in their shoes, we would not be able to fight, laugh, focus on the beauties of life, and stand strong in the face of cancer. What do they have that we don't? Could it be that, as Yalom says, they have the power not to do things they really don't want, to establish deeper relationships with their loved ones, to sincerely appreciate the uncontrollable realities of life, and to realize the new feeling of compassion? Have you noticed that they finally allow themselves to be free and autonomous? What provides all of this is the transformation of the death they come across into an awakening experience.
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