Families who cannot cope with some of their children's behaviors see their last hope in receiving psychotherapy. It is very important to have information about families' expectations from the therapy process before starting this process. Many families have unknowingly made mistakes that could lead to negativity in their child's behavior in the long run, and their expectation from psychotherapy is to see sudden changes in their child's behavior without effort. However, the first golden rule of working with children is that the change begins with the family after the psychotherapy hour is over. Generally, no parent consciously, knowingly or willingly exhibits behavior that would disrupt their child's behavior or psychology. They generally think that they are very good parents because they make a lot of sacrifices and provide their children with luxuries that they would like to provide but cannot. If we evaluate the internal motivation and look at the situation from their perspective, we will see that they are 100% right. However, child discipline is based on a completely different philosophy. In general, families can cause negative changes in their children's behavior with the motivation to do good to their children. When working with children, I am a proponent of first investigating family dynamics, motivations, and upbringing styles. As far as I have observed, Turkish society generally does not approve of this approach because they care about their children more than themselves and they believe that the problem is not about them. As mentioned above, the first golden rule of psychotherapy is that the family adapts to certain changes and demonstrates consistency within the therapy process, sets clear boundaries and is open to the use of certain tactics. 50 minutes once a week is not a sufficient process to change stereotyped behaviors over many years.
Although therapists in the psychotherapy room try to change and teach behavior on-site, the solution to problems begins and ends with the family.
If you, as a parent, do not want to change anything in your life, if you cannot support the therapy process, if you believe that behaviors that have been negatively reinforced for years can be solved by a psychologist in a few sessions without your help, it is important to get full benefit from the therapy process. It is close to bloodless.
6 Golden Rules in Child Discipline
The family must be consistent – the first golden rule of child education is the mother. and the father is consistent. Consistency of words and behavior is very important. If you say 'son (daughter), you should do this and that' while disciplining your child and act differently yourself, be sure that your child will repeat what you did, not what you said. Or from the moment you say 'it should be done this way', it is very important to be consistent and discipline your child to do it that way. The child needs to be sure that you will not deviate from this rule or compromise depending on the situation. For example, 'my mother expects me to be sitting at the table at dinner time, if I don't sit down, she will not let me watch her cartoons after dinner' - the child must be clearly sure of this situation. Although it may seem very strict, research shows that inconsistency causes negativities in the child. Children of families with inconsistent discipline may be more insecure and confused than those with consistent discipline. For example, sometimes my mother allows me to eat chocolate, but sometimes she doesn't. Maybe he'll let me cry and make a fuss. Maybe he won't and he'll get very angry. However, if the child is sure that chocolate will not be eaten, he will behave more confidently and consistently.
The family needs to draw clear boundaries – setting boundaries is a line that varies from country to country, culture to culture, family to family. Children actually learn whether they will cross the red line or not through our life philosophies. It is very important that you have consistent boundaries as a family and that you instill these in your child with love and compassion. In this process, the family is expected to draw certain boundaries by collaborating with their child in a clear, specific, short and concise manner. For this purpose, a contract consisting of rules can be made and mutually signed. The child should clearly understand what consequences he will face if he violates those boundaries, and as long as he can comply with the rules, he should be rewarded and appreciated appropriately (for example: well done to my child, he showed a perfect change in his behavior yesterday and obeyed the rules), but while doing this, he should be rewarded or appreciated as a result of positive or negative behaviors. You are a good boy� �, we should not attach the label 'you are a bad child' to the child. One of the biggest mistakes made here is that one parent assumes the role of the good cop and the other the bad cop. Both mother and father should be people who jointly determine consistent and clear lines in the child's upbringing.
Make time for your child - today, working mothers and fathers naturally cannot spare much time for their children. While families in Europe can devote an average of 7 hours a day to their children, this process is an average of 3 hours in Turkey. While we have such time constraints, the most important thing to do here is to improve the quality of time allocated to the child. The most important point is not how much time a person spends with his child, but how much quality time he spends. It may be an option to spend the time you spend with your child without a phone, TV or internet. Talking to him, playing with him, making him feel your love, answering his questions, and addressing his concerns will be among the greatest favors you can do for him. It is up to you to spend the 3 hours you have available to the fullest. Instead of spending these hours in shopping malls, toy stores or cafes to ease your conscience, it may be logical to choose more natural environments, places where you can listen to each other and spend quality time. The family should spend time creating daily activities with the child, and these activities should be something that the child likes and the parent approves of.
The principle of 'Rewarding' for correct behavior – I recommend that families observe their children's behavior. , it is also important that we do not confuse this with detective work. Although children generally make an effort to gain favor and appreciation from their families, they are not seen by their families. In fact, the family's reinforcement of positive behavior by using the 'Reward' principle for 'Right' behavior, like a detector, will develop the infrastructure for your child to stereotype as you want. As long as the child is approved by his/her environment, he/she will continue to behave in ways that you find positive.
Rules for 'wrong' behavior - children have no concept of right or wrong in their behavior. Wrong behavior, right behavior We also determine the memory. For example, imagine a child picking his nose and a child masturbating. Would the reaction to the first be the same as the reaction to the second? Most likely not. For the child, both are parts of the body and the child knows that certain parts are untouchable, 'imperfections', must-haves, etc. He learns from the reactions around him. Think about the family that beats, scolds, punishes, and shouts at its child for masturbating, and when the father comes home in the evening, explains the situation to the father and creates an uneasy environment, and the psychology of the child who will be affected by this event. In such situations, the child may either withdraw into himself and think that he has done something very shameful, and out of curiosity he may continue this behavior when he is alone, or he may manipulate the family because he understands how it shakes them. However, what needs to be done in such cases is for the family member who witnessed the incident to first understand the logic of the incident and find an answer to the question "What does masturbating mean for a child?" Most likely, he learned to masturbate by picking his nose or by being stimulated during play, just as he picks his nose when he is bored of being alone, and he continues to do it because he thinks it is a game when he is bored. The best option would be to switch from one game to another and take care of the child without making this situation a big deal for him or giving a special meaning to his brain. After a certain time, the child will forget that behavior. Or you can change the behavior of a child who is bullying his friend by talking to him. In this case, you should instill a sense of empathy in the child and explain to him that the child's 'behavior' is wrong. The child should never think that his family does not love him because he made a mistake.
The principle of making uncertainties certain – children's thinking capacity is very different from ours. And sometimes we can forget the age of the other child and the limit of his perception capacity. If we understand something, we can expect them to understand it too. When we examine the underlying reasons for many negative behaviors, we understand that children can do these behaviors out of uncertainty. For example, a child who wants to sleep with his parents at night may do so as a result of uncertainty. : 'I'm afraid of not seeing my father when I wake up in the morning', 'I'm afraid of an earthquake when I sleep at night', 'if I don't sleep with them, my father will love my mother more than me'. Or let's assume that there was an incident in which the father left the house in anger as a result of an argument at home, and that day he came across an incident in which your child did a little mischief in the morning. In this case, the child blames himself and may think that he caused the fight. In such cases, no matter what happens, it is necessary to make the uncertainty clear for the child and to explain in simple sentences that the child can understand that the events are not related to him/her, that he/she will not be left without a father or mother as a result of the argument, that if there is an earthquake at night, they will not leave the house without taking him/her, and that the fact that the father went to work early in the morning does not mean that he has abandoned them. It is extremely important to explain. Therefore, we do not expect children to react positively to uncertainty.
Conduct Disorder and Nutrition in Children
Nowadays, we witness that many children are diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder), ADD (attention deficit disorder), and mood disorders. Because children exhibit angry and uncontrolled behavior, they have to take medications for behavioral disorders or different psychiatric and neurological diagnoses. However, before starting these medications on children, families need to know that some foods cause behavioral and psychological changes in children and make certain nutritional changes.
Dairy products - families need to know that their children have lactose intolerance or They can almost force them to use dairy products to eat healthy and get protein, without knowing that they are allergic. If your child does not have lactose intolerance, you should use dairy products, otherwise your children will feel tense and restless and you may experience negative behavioral changes.
Foods containing coloring substances – although many countries prohibit the use of these substances. , is widely used around the world. Yellow No. 5 (tartrazine), red No. It is extremely important to keep your children away from foods containing substances called blue No. 40 and blue No. 1. These substances are used for ADHD, anxiety, hyperactivity.
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