Men don't think much about "being a man". There is no need for this. Since culturally, being born a man already opens many doors, there are not many obstacles that would leave you at the door and brood. Open the literature and see if you don't believe how many studies there are on being a man and how many on being a woman. You'll find plenty of women's studies and studies emphasizing the difference between genders, such as "men are from one planet, women are from another planet." But there are not many resources about being a man. For example, how many magazines other than the one you have have you seen that are designed specifically for men? If you really think there is, I suggest you also take a look at the pink magazines section.
But in this article, I will not talk about how different men and women are. I want to talk about their SAMENESS.
We were born with one gender. Our biological differences are obvious. But life didn't stop there. Being different in appearance was not enough; our different reactions depending on our genetic characteristics also came with us. A person with XX chromosomes and a person with XY chromosomes had different reactions and solutions to events, yes, thank you for that too. But this separation did not end there. Life also distributed roles to this human being. He said let's divide the labor according to our abilities. Okay nice. But the living conditions of each geography were different, so the roles given were different from culture to culture. Well, where is the sameness? Why is it so difficult to understand women then? Okay, I won't make it too long, isn't it a woman? Without further ado, I'm going to move on to your roles that have been told to you since your childhood and that you have internalized even if you don't remember them. Not only your family, but also your teacher at school, your circle of friends, and your work environment supported these speeches. As long as you meet these definitions, you are appreciated. Because they were born in the same culture. They didn't actually have any bad intentions, they just needed to convey the practical knowledge they had accumulated. Let's talk about a few general teachings. I like to call these “culturally accepted roles”.
Men become STRONG. Yes, it is true that the muscle proportions in their bodies are higher than women. But it's more than that, you know. Losing a conflict shakes this power, being sad, crying, emotional decision Giving up, failing, maybe not being able to earn a lot of money nowadays, quitting the match if his leg gets injured in football, not needing help even if he is sick (God forbid, they tell a man not to whine like a wife), getting tired, getting hungry.
A man becomes PROUD. He does not back down, he is determined, he keeps his word, and not only his own behavior but also the behavior of others towards him must be controlled; Otherwise, everything about the power mentioned above will be shaken and the man's pride will be broken. Then there will be talk of masculinity.
A man must also be LOGICAL. He should evaluate everything analytically, fit it into a mathematical formula, and never act just because he feels that way. Decisions should always be made because he thinks so. If this is exceeded, the power mentioned above will be shaken, pride will be broken, and masculinity will be destroyed.
On top of all these teachings, on the other hand, the brains of men and women work in very similar ways. Although the way they process information is slightly different, their emotions are the same. In other words, the same emotions emerge in the face of similar events. If a splinter gets stuck in their hand, they will feel the same pain. If they lost a loved one, it would hurt them just as much. The same excitement if they fall in love, the same loneliness if they are abandoned, the same anger and fears in an argument. And the desire to be loved by their spouses the same way they are, the need to be supported, is felt with the same intensity in both genders...
I am aware that some of you feel slightly threatened even when you read the terms I wrote, such as emotionality or need. “Need? It's scary even to say it! These feelings are not for men, they are for women. I can almost hear people saying, "I don't need anyone, I can take care of myself." Because the number of emotions you are allowed to have is so few. For example, there is anger for you, right? Seriousness, harshness, anger, secretiveness, etc. Then, even if you miss, get angry, if you feel hurt, get angry, if you want to be with someone, instead of saying it, get angry and say, "How can he do this to me and not be with me?" If you feel neglected, instead of saying it, remain secretive and silent, then let people wonder what's wrong with you. Even if someone asks "What's wrong?", "Look, I'm weak, he can't solve his own problem, he saw me," and you'll get angry again and want to be alone. Ein. Be tough even when you feel love. Don't let your spouse, friend or relative understand that you are loved, they will take you for granted and then, God forbid, think you are a weak man. Do not compromise on seriousness, let those around you avoid sharing anything with you. Then you keep wondering why your spouse, your friend, and especially your spouse, constantly makes life difficult for you with "nonsensical" expectations that will prove your love.
In the family, child care, or the loss of a person, work situation, sexual life, moving, other relatives etc. If a problem arises, for whatever reason, do not enter the door of family counseling. Most of the men who are invited to roll out red carpets avoid participating because they think "it's not my problem." However, we are not looking for the problem in individuals here, we are looking for the solution in cooperation, we say that a bird cannot fly with one wing. But anyway, you must be strong, right? God forbid you get help. You can never make a mistake, in this world full of stupid people. So stay away, don't even think that things might get easier for you.
What an unfair expectation this is from you men. Be strong but don't get support, be human but don't feel, take responsibility but never make mistakes...
From this perspective, even though life may seem easy to you, life is hard for you too, gentlemen. While this culture restricts a woman to be wherever she wants, whenever she wants, to work at the job she wants, and sometimes even to talk, it also forbids you from human emotions. I am afraid that you will die of a sudden heart attack before you can say, "Actually, all I want is to be seen as I am and to be loved and loved as much as anyone else." Instead of "I was afraid of losing you", without realizing that you became lonely with reactions that even you couldn't understand. Before you can tell your children how much you love them so that your authority as a father is not shaken. Considering all this, after reading many feminist works, I want to start a "herifist" movement. I mean, I am so worried about you and your family.
Try it, try to catch the reason why you feel angry. Disappointment? Mistake? Is it the fear of having done something wrong? Is it the distress of not being understood? Is it longing? Then express it to the other person. You can see that you have not lost your power with this, your respect and dignity. You will realize that you have gained stronger bonds.
If you had the courage to read an article that talks about so many emotions until the end, I hope there will be some that remain in your mind. Thank you.
Behavioral Sciences Expert
Expert. Family Counselor
Ülkü DEMİRCİ
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