We hear phrases like "Children go to school crying" or "The child should cry, he/she will get used to it" a lot these days, when schools start, right?
So, where does the information in the sentence "Children should be made to cry" come to us, as a result of the impositions of the education system and sometimes the misinformation of wrong educators? Should children be made to cry on the first day of school or should they be forced to this extent?
With the opening of schools, we can see that some children become extremely anxious and distressed and tearful when they are separated from their parents. Some children believe that serious harm will happen to their loved ones when they leave home, and therefore they often want to contact their families. That's why they may not want to leave their loved ones and their homes. They do not want to be in any social environment apart from their parents. Just as they do not want to be separated from their parents, they do not want to be alone. Their problems increase when they go to school or in other separate environments. They want to follow their mother like a shadow. They have difficulty sleeping, they do not want to sleep apart from their parents, and they may have nightmares about bad things that could happen to them at night. When they are separated in any way, they may show symptoms such as stomach ache and headache.
So, should children be made to cry on the first days of school?
Of course, there is only one clear answer to this problem. There is no answer. Sometimes crying styles and needs may also differ. For example, a child who asks his mother for ice cream on the way to school may cry to have his wish fulfilled. This type of crying can be decided after the child and family are listened to. These crying spells, which are a different issue, are seen in children who cannot completely set boundaries and cannot delay gratification. Another type of crying crisis occurs in children who we think actually have separation anxiety. These crying crises and the emotions they experience can negatively affect the person in later years, even in adulthood. It can affect the person's negative thoughts and beliefs about himself and his environment to the extent that it can damage his belief system.
The child cannot calm himself down in the first days of school. a A child should never be allowed into school crying if he or she cannot feel and experience the thought "The world is safe and I am safe and secure." It is very unhealthy for her to be sent to school, where she can be alone with her mother, without gaining the ability to calm herself down, which may last for days or even weeks. This separation anxiety experienced during childhood is sometimes experienced very severely, and its traumatic scars sometimes challenge us in our daily lives when we become adults. A person may show extreme sensitivity when separating from a friend, job, lover or any object. He/she may feel the fear of abandonment very intensely.
In which type of families is it more common?
Especially, "overprotective and caring attitude" is the most common in the traditional family model in our country. It is a frequently used form of discipline. Parents with an overprotective attitude raise their children in a golden cage built with love and affection. The parents assume all responsibility on behalf of the child. Parents decide what is right and wrong for the child. From the hairstyle to the dress she wears, it is the mother and father's choice. This overprotectiveness, which is mostly seen in the mother-child relationship, sometimes continues throughout life. Even though the child is old enough to use a fork and spoon, the mother prefers to feed him with her own hand. The mother makes him toilet, the mother dresses him, the mother even ties his shoelaces. These mothers think that they love and protect the child; They fail to realize that they are actually making the child dependent on them. The negative effects of this situation in children who are overprotective usually become evident during the schooling process, which is the first stage in which the child needs to get away from the mother.
What can you do?
Teachers on the one hand, and teachers on the other. Under the gaze of many parents, the child is trying to be separated from his family in a traumatic way. The child feels the helplessness and sadness of his parents even more and when the lesson starts at school, he thinks about his family while dealing with his own anxiety. They either become children who never talk and play alone, or, on the contrary, they become angry, difficult children who constantly look for every opportunity to leave school. Teachers generally keep children in this group under control. They try to hold them back, they don't let them go home. The child experiences and gains the feeling of anger that accompanies it with anxiety...
In such a situation, the demands of the school may sometimes be insufficient for your child. The child, who cannot express his anxiety at home or at school, may experience bedwetting, nail biting or some psychosomatic complaints. In such a case, you should be alone with your child and talk about his/her feelings and be very patient in this process. Classes are going, you shouldn't make hasty or wrong decisions so that he can start school as soon as possible.
*Listen to your child's negative emotions, so that he can talk at length about what he feels.
*Exactly what upsets or frightens him. - Find out together what the things that worry him are.
*If he has a problem with not feeling safe, ask him what makes him feel safe and start working with them.
Talk about what might happen
*If there is a problem related to losing you, you can teach what negativities may happen to you as a parent and what your child should do in such a situation. We should never make sentences like "Nothing bad will happen to us, don't worry."
*If there is sibling jealousy, we should be careful not to start school with the newborn sibling. If your child's age is appropriate, you can wait another year. If not, we must have alleviated this feeling of jealousy about the sibling so that we can start school calmer.
*When he comes home in the evenings, you can do relaxation exercises with him, go for a walk in the evening and chat in a natural environment, and this will be very good for your child.
* Tell him to call you when he feels bad at school. Your child may become emotional when he hears your voice, but you should never portray this as a bad situation. The child who calms down when he hears your voice will feel safer.
*Find out if there is a particularly disturbing situation at school that triggers him/her. For example; very loud noise, the teacher's tone of voice or the physiological conditions of the school... You can learn how to learn these and explain them by drawing with pictures.
*Stories of children who are afraid of school are very useful. Sometimes you can write your own story with animals or make it up in your head. The child should not think that he or she is the only one experiencing this problem in this world.
*When your child comes home from school in the evening, you can ask your child the question "What would you like to tell me?" without questioning him too much. Remember; Questioning things too much can also confuse the child. For example; ‘Did your teacher treat you well? Questions such as, "Was the food good?" "How were your friends, were they nice to you?" etc. may tire your child and push him/her to look for another problem.
* Finally, when your child goes to school, he/she just wants to go to school. You should not buy him/her gifts of financial value just because he/she has achieved success. The best thing for him would be to be appreciated and approved.
A month has passed, but if he still has trouble going to school, then I definitely recommend you get support from a professional. Because the anxiety he experiences may now spread to different areas and the negativity he experiences may negatively affect his self-perception.
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