Have you ever wondered why you keep choosing the same type of partner over and over again?
Because you've been prepared that way by your childhood relationships.
The early life we developed with our parents. Our interpersonal interactions have a significant impact on the romantic relationships we develop in adulthood.
They create an emotional blueprint for all our future relationships.
We all experience certain emotions, feelings, and thoughts that come from the early bonds formed in our first relationship with our parents. and internalized behavioral patterns. We then carry these patterns with us as we move through life and reproduce these patterns, especially with our romantic partners.
These are known as attachment styles.
There are four different dimensions of attachment style: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful.
Our attachment styles have a direct impact on our adult relationships, because what we do in our romantic relationships is They directly affect how we choose people.
Secure Attachment Style: ''love is wonderful''
People with a secure attachment style are generally confident and find it easy to interact with others. They accept that all needs and expectations from their partners will be met. Essentially, they have a positive view of both themselves and other people.
As a result, people with a secure attachment style are willing to engage in close and intimate romantic relationships. They are open to sharing their thoughts and feelings with their partners and can clearly communicate their emotional needs. They feel secure in their relationships and can also benefit from their independence. Securely attached individuals are emotionally stable and secure partners: they are generally honest, trustworthy, and can happily give and receive support from their partners.
Of course, this does not mean that they are perfect . Many are comfortable admitting their flaws and also tend to accept their partner's shortcomings.
Even when a disagreement or fight occurs, such individuals They are very comfortable talking to their partners rather than starting an endless cycle of lies, criticism, passive-aggressive behavior, or fighting. Essentially, if you have a secure attachment style, you will have a good relationship with someone who is also secure in your relationships because they are more likely to develop the same trust and intimacy while maintaining their independence.
Anxious Attachment: ''love me, don't leave me..''
Anxious attachment People with this style are often insecure and criticize themselves harshly. Because such individuals have a poor pattern of self-esteem and self-worth, they often seek constant reassurance and approval from their partners.
As a result, individuals with an anxious attachment style often They try to establish an "emotional bond" with their partners.
Fundamentally, many live with the need that their partner should complete them and protect them from all their fears and insecurities. Anxiously attached individuals actually seek a savior. They often trust their partners very quickly.
Although they see their partners as saviors, such individuals are also likely to doubt their partners.
-“Does he love me as much as I love him?” ?”,
-“Am I too much for him?”
-“Am I not good enough?”
These are common questions that anxious people often struggle with.
What ends up happening is that their own fears/insecurities often create many problems in their relationships. Because they are constantly preoccupied with the thought that they may be rejected or abandoned, they are likely to selectively seek out certain behaviors that will reinforce these deep-rooted fears.
As soon as an anxious partner begins to feel insecure in their relationship, they often become extremely jealous, possessive, or demanding. This insecure behavior can be very difficult and devastating for both parties and can drive partners apart. Although it may be difficult for people without this attachment style to empathize with anxious individuals, people with this attachment type often Remember that he is in pain. Unfortunately, many become stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy cycle and put so much pressure on their partners that they unconsciously create situations of abandonment/rejection that they deeply fear.
If you have this attachment style , you may encounter someone with an avoidant attachment style.
Avoidant Attachment: ''with or without you..''
People with an avoidant attachment style often appear as distant / emotionally and detached / avoidant. They are always looking for escape. They often deny the need for intimate and nurturing relationships. Even when they are in relationships, they engage in many activities or hobbies that do not involve their partners. People with this attachment style can very easily disconnect from people, emotionally and physically, and are often very reluctant to talk about their feelings and inner world with others.
This can make it extremely difficult for a non-avoidant partner to feel loved, cared for, seen, or heard.
If you have such an attachment style, you are likely to attract a partner who is often anxiously attached.
One needs intimacy, reassurance and connection, the other needs solitude, independence and space. If you don't have great communication, the relationship can suffer greatly.
Fearful Attachment: ''hot and cold''
Fearful people are very, very complicated. They basically don't know what they want and how they want it. One day they seek closeness, the next day they are avoidant and distant. And they reflect this in all their romantic relationships. Fearful avoidant attachment styles are very determined when it comes to relationships: they want to be in intimate relationships, but they are also afraid of being in one. They want the security and comfort that a partner can offer, but they have an active fear that their partners may abandon them or stifle them in the relationship. It may take some time for individuals with this attachment style to enter into a serious relationship, but On the contrary, they can become dependent on the partner very quickly. Their ambivalent approach to relationships also manifests itself with their partners, as they can engage in inconsistent “hot and cold” behavior. They often find it difficult to express their true feelings and show love consistently. Basically, it's not easy. They are consistently inconsistent.
People with this attachment style are likely to have very turbulent and anxious relationships.
Good The news is that these attachment styles are not fixed, they can be changed.
With enough self-awareness and effort, we can change our attachment styles.
People with insecure attachment styles can develop and develop secure attachments with the help of their secure/self-aware partners.
If you're insecurely attached, your best bet is to find a securely attached partner to help you develop a secure attachment, or open attachment discussions with your insecurely attached partner and see how you can increase your communication and start meeting each other. Will be working on it.
The most reliable partner for you will be to find someone with a secure attachment style.
This article can help you relearn/change your core beliefs about interpersonal relationships, love, trust, and commitment.
Of course, you should consult a psychotherapist who can provide you and/or your partner with a safe relationship to work on the root causes of your potentially self-sabotaging attachment style.
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