In addition to those who apply by saying "There is a problem in our relationship", by covering up the real problem; "It is common for people to consult a therapist with depression, psychosomatic complaints, and phobic reactions." The purpose of some couples to see a therapist is to save their relationships and marriages. Both the therapy environment and the therapist cannot decide whether the marriage will end or continue. The therapy environment; It is an environment that makes communication clear and concise, teaches mutually understandable speech with the help of a third person (therapist), enriches the person's one-way perspective on events, and provides self-awareness. It is still up to the couple to benefit adequately from this environment. The purpose of therapy is to make communication healthy. The healthy continuation of a relationship depends on the couple's ability and willingness to resolve their conflicts. In cases where the relationship between couples becomes a problem, the following sentences are frequently used: “You don't understand me at all. ”
Problems that arise in couples actually exist before they start to be seen as problems. However, in various stages of the life cycle (marriage, birth of children, children's school, spouses' work-professional roles, structuring the future), couples focus on certain goals.
Thus, they cannot see the "things" that prevent the relationship from working out, or they fail to notice them even if they see them, and after a while they notice them. He tries to convince himself that this will change. However, in this life cycle, with sudden and major changes, difficulties, losses and the establishment of this cycle, people begin to focus on "self-awareness", which they may have never done before, or sometimes think about or even experience. What am I? What's happening? He begins to ask himself questions such as "What do I want?" He tries to investigate and analyze the "things" that he avoids noticing. The three components of the relationship are; Communication-power-emotion begin to be seen as real problems at that moment. The problems that have arisen in the relationship up to that point suddenly become insurmountable. If we were to define the relationship, it is an emotion and thought that occurs between people in a specific context and is shaped in behavior. Message transmission is, moreover, an exchange aimed at finding answers to desires, wishes and needs. Just as it is an indispensable rule that there must be two people for a relationship to exist, it is also important which context is valid in the relationship. Shaping the relationship; It must be within a particular situation, environment. The way one spouse expresses love may be perceived as anger or resentment by the other, rather than love. At some point in the relationship it is the “here and now” that matters. In interpersonal relationships, side effects can be made by the third and fourth parties around people (mother, mother-in-law, father, friend), or therapeutic interventions can be made by a professional (therapist). As long as there are determinations, definitions and interpretations in real life relationships, there are always interventions in some way. However, when there is a problem: when people have "structured action doors" or "endless games", the intervention of a person outside the system is needed. Because in order for the system to continue, the rules of the system must change. Changing the system is not possible while you are within that system. Only someone from outside (therapist) can give the system what it needs.
When one of the couples who apply for help comes with the request "I don't want a divorce or I want a divorce", our first intervention is to say that the relationship needs to be repaired in order to get a divorce because the problem here is the essence of the relationship. Divorce in problematic relationships may seem like a simple solution that comes easily out of mouth, but as we get closer to reality, it becomes a difficult decision to make. One of the first suggestions used in therapy for couples is to suspend the relationship for a while (suspension model). When it is suggested not to have face-to-face meetings for 15 days, not to talk on the phone, to live in separate places and not even be aware of their existence during this period, the first reaction may be rejection, even in couples who approach this as "divorce is the best solution". It is a fact that cannot be ignored that the majority of those who apply for couples therapy are women and that some spouses do not approve of therapy. Participation in therapy by both parties makes it easier to get results and shortens the duration of therapy. ir. But a very important fact is that the individual who is the victim in the relationship; (mostly women) can go a long way in their therapy journey alone, both for the relationship and for themselves.
Before Marriage
The risk of experiencing problems in relationships where the dating or engagement periods are prolonged increases. In particular, the involvement of families in the relationship somehow affects the delicate balance between spouses. Despite these, engagement and dating periods also give spouses clues about married life. For this reason, it is useful to evaluate it very well.
Marriage Decision
People think about different reasons when making a marriage decision. Some of the mistakes made when making this decision can be listed as follows;
Love at First Sight: Love at first sight can cause people to think logically and make wrong decisions. For this reason, couples should give time to get to know each other and think carefully before making a decision.
Escape from Home: Some people see marriage as a solution to escape from an environment where they cannot be happy and where they constantly experience problems, and they decide to get married. The decision to marry, which we can consider as an escape, may not always be the right one.
Meeting Sexual Desires: People sometimes want to get married in order to meet their sexual needs, and they may make wrong decisions because they ignore the real foundations of marriage.
Desire to Get Rid of Loneliness: People sometimes want to get rid of loneliness. They may try to get married to escape. However, marriages made solely for this purpose are generally not the right marriages.
Expectations Regarding Marriage
Unrealistic expectations regarding marriage can cause spouses to experience serious disappointments, experience problems in their marriages and even reach a dead end. Some of these are as follows:
The idea that "my spouse is my best friend": Spouses and friends are very important people in an individual's life. It is quite wrong for an individual to attribute the role of friend to his/her spouse, because both types of relationships have different benefits for that person. is necessary and inevitable. However, the idea of sharing cannot be fixed to a ratio. Considering the situations and opportunities to be encountered in life, sometimes one may need to take on more responsibility than the other. The issue of sharing should be considered for a long period of time. The idea that 'there can be no marriage without having children': Having children is one of the most important purposes of marriage for spouses. In this way, couples think that they will become closer to each other and can solve their problems more easily. These thoughts seriously affect the decision to have children. However, having a child in an already unsuccessful relationship is not always a solution and may cause other problems between people. Thought 'I should tell my spouse everything I've ever experienced': It is very normal for couples who are about to decide to get married to try to get to know each other. However, care should be taken when telling each other about the events and experiences they have experienced so far. Couples can get support from family therapists when they talk about issues that they cannot predict how their relationships will be affected.
Close Socio-Economic Levels: It is a known fact that the success rates of marriages made by people from the same socio-economic circles are high.
Similarity of Energy Levels. : The fact that people's energy levels are close to each other directly affects the satisfaction achieved in marriage.
Similarity of Perspectives on Life: The similarity of spouses in matters such as keeping up with the pace of life, the need for change and change, or liking stability also increases the harmony in marriage.
Counseling in Marriage
Why do I want to get married?: The answer to this question is very important. The person must be making a marriage decision with the desire to live with the person he really loves.
Why do I want to marry 'him'?: The fact that the couples know each other well enough, have similar perspectives on life, and want to live together for a lifetime will affect the marriage decision they will make. It is an indication that they are moving on the right path.
How do we look at life?: Spouses look at life from similar windows. This will directly affect their married life. The marriages of spouses who can evaluate events, people and life in general in a similar way and give similar reactions are progressing with much stronger steps. He should think carefully about whether he will be a traditional, modern, different-thinking, protective person. However, for this, spouses must reflect themselves as they are during the dating and engagement periods. They should not hide their negative aspects from the other party and highlight their positive aspects. Otherwise, they would mislead the factors in the marriage decision. Therefore, a person may encounter someone very different from the spouse model he/she dreams and wants, and wrong decisions may lead to a dead end.
Before Marriage
There are many psychological reasons that affect spouses in a marriage. For this reason, before making the decision to marry, couples need to know each other well enough and think carefully about whether they can take on the responsibility of marriage. Especially in our society, men are advised to review their willingness and determination to take responsibility many times. There are some criteria that should be considered and evaluated before getting married. Before marriage, spouses should learn about each other's personality traits, their perspectives on marriage and life, whether they can support each other in every aspect, their profession and income level, their health status, whether they want to have children, their perspectives on sexuality, their relationships with both parties' families, whether they have a psychological problem or not. They need to know that it is not. These criteria and many other issues should be discussed between couples. Premarital depression is a known fact. Marriage requires responsibilities, and if a person thinks that he cannot take on these responsibilities, it is better to wait a little longer. In marriages where mutual love and understanding do not exist, these responsibilities may be perceived as taking away people's freedom. For this reason, the decision to marry should be carefully considered, and relationships in which love and understanding prevail should be developed.
These criteria mentioned before marriage should be carefully considered. Where necessary
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