WHAT IS MARRIAGE 1: MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO
Generally, the articles written, posts on social media, reproaches, solutions, etc. are about women. This is a very normal situation, especially since there are serious problems regarding the place of women in Turkish society. Just as women's place in our society and their behavior not being what they deserve causes women to feel injustice and worthlessness, constantly taking care of women and giving space to women's feelings, troubles and wishes can be met with the same perception by men.
Today I want to talk a little bit about men. . What do women expect from men; A man who is compassionate, affectionate, aware of his financial obligations, clean, meticulous, fond of his children, helpful, solution-oriented, able to make surprises, does not lie, does not cheat, is romantic, etc.
What do men expect from women; A woman who can manage her home, take care of her children properly, is well-groomed, understanding, non-oppressive, etc.
Of course, we can list many other expectations, these are just common and generalized expectations.
When we look at our society in general, men; He has an image of having to work, taking on the financial obligations of his home, being strong and standing, and having the obligation to protect his wife and children or the woman next to him. This is something we all already know. In my previous articles, I talked about the patterns created by society.
There are also hidden but effective pressure patterns created for men, which have been committed since childhood; Men should not cry so much and in public, men should not look weak, they should not show that they are weak, men should be honorable, they should take care of their family in the best way possible throughout their lives, a man who cannot protect his woman is not a man, a man should be able to talk to a woman, etc... They differ in terms of emotional and social judgments and patterns, but this is a fact that men also experience many different feelings and emotions in the face of events and troubles. He doesn't change his check. In fact, men have a significant disadvantage compared to women: social stereotypes prevent them from expressing their emotions. Suppression of emotions is also a factor in the onset of many psychological problems. When we look at it from a different perspective, one of the most appropriate environments for men to express their feelings is with their wives. If a man cannot express his feelings, which he has already repressed sufficiently, in front of his wife or the woman he loves, and if he thinks that he is not understood or listened to, he begins to express these repressed feelings by getting angry, approaching the people in front of him without empathy, by becoming indifferent, aggressive, and distant from the woman he thinks does not approach him with enough understanding.
Especially if the man is constantly fed with feelings of inadequacy, inadequacy and failure by the woman while he is constantly struggling financially and morally due to the stereotypes stuck on him, he will experience more psychological problems and this will be reflected in the form of unpleasant behavior to his family and environment.
First of all, It should always be taken into consideration how much harm some stereotypes created by society can cause to people. When approaching her husband, a woman should act by combining her own feelings of love, understanding, empathy, etc. with her intelligence, not with these patterns. In other words, he should stop seeing his wife as a robot who has to protect her and her children, who has to bring money, who has to make surprises, who has to be romantic, who has to be constantly interested, whose only private life is her family. He should perceive that his wife is an individual just like him, that all family-related responsibilities are shared by both of them, that there may be a distribution of duties, but no task should stick to them.
He should guide his wife to express her feelings, choose the right words to speak to the man so that he does not suppress his feelings, One should try to break the stereotypes in the family as much as possible. A man who is peaceful and does not suppress his emotions, anger and discomfort will be much more constructive and productive in his relationships with both his wife and children.
; So let's continue with a small example, a working man, he goes to work in the morning and can only be home around 7-8 in the evening, Istanbul traffic is known. The stress, fatigue and hunger of the whole day. When you go home, your spouse and children are waiting for your attention. By the time he eats and takes a shower, it's 9 o'clock. She tries to relieve her tiredness while taking care of her child, whom she misses very much. And his wife begins to explain; The man's brain, which has already been occupied all day at work, begins to fill up with what he has been through all day, his sadness, fatigue, children's problems, financial difficulties, etc. On the other hand, there is also fatigue, insomnia and the tension of being in the same environment again in the morning. The result of this will be the following:
The man will either say that he is tired and go to sleep, which the woman will perceive as indifference and worthlessness, or the man will tell the woman to be quiet for a while, or he will start to give answers contrary to the woman's expectations to the things the woman tells, and in any case. Discussion will begin.
The best thing to do here, and we also recommend this in couples therapy, is for the spouses to have dinner together in the evening, to spend at least a little quality time with their children, and not to talk about anything that will disturb each other during this time (they are always sensitive about the issues that should be discussed in front of the children). After the children go to bed, before going to bed, the spouses turn off all electronic devices and spend time chatting with each other for a determined period of time. During this conversation, spouses can take turns telling each other what they experienced during the day, and if they have problems with the house, children or each other, they can continue the conversation by explaining how they feel in the "I" language, without judging or blaming the other person, and by talking about how they can find a solution together. He is exposed to enough environmental stress during the day, both at work and at home. Therefore, instead of sharing acute problems during the day, taking notes in writing if necessary and sharing them in an appropriate language during private conversations in the evening will be a very constructive behavior in terms of the relationship.
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