Death; It is a difficult fact for every person to accept. When it comes to children, explaining the concept of "death" makes it even more difficult for adults. This situation for children; It should be explained according to the appropriate age range, in the most basic way they can understand and in the most realistic way. When death is hidden from the child or not explained, the child will begin to fill in the gaps in his mind and his anxiety will increase. If he learns the correct information from his relatives, it will be easier for him to accept the situation.
0-6 Months
The child notices the sadness of the caregivers around him.
There may be disruptions in eating and sleeping patterns due to stress after the loss.
6 Months-2 Years
The child cannot realize that death is a loss and asks questions about the deceased.
He may get angry at the deceased person for not coming back or playing games with him, and he may think that they abandoned him.
He does not want to leave his caregivers, and may think that they will abandon him if he leaves them.
Asks questions about the deceased person.
Anger may occur due to the deceased person not coming.
In cartoons and games, the deceased character is re-created. They can believe that the dead person will come again, such as coming to life, and tell what they will do together.
Children in the preschool period have magical thoughts. “Did he die because I thought so?” They may blame themselves, or they may believe that praying and making a wish can bring the dead person back. They can take gifts and toys to the cemetery.
6-9 Years
They begin to understand that death is the end.
Emotions such as anger/resentment. may occur.
They should be given the opportunity to experience sadness/stress.
Adolescence
They know that death is the end and there is no return.
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They perceive death like adults.
They look for answers to philosophical questions such as "What is life?", "Who am I?", "What is death", "What happens after death?"
There may be a feeling that nothing will happen to me, death will happen to other people.
What Should We Pay Attention to When Talking About Death to a Child?
Usually the child realizes that something is wrong. k He can understand the situation from the attitude of the other person. If this situation is kept a secret and the child is not explained, he may see the event as "a situation to be hidden" and his fear and anxiety may increase. Children see many news of accidents and deaths on television, they may witness the death of their pets, or they may encounter a dead bird or cat on the street and accept it as natural.
Children internalize what you convey to them non-verbally from your behavior and attitude rather than your words. If the anxiety of the person telling the story is intense while explaining death to the child, the child may internalize the anxiety. Usually, families can project their own fear schemas about death onto children. As a result, the child's anxiety and fear schema can be triggered.
The child asks questions about death: "Will I die?", "Will you die?", "Did he die because I was naughty?" ?” or “Did he die because I wished it?” You may ask questions such as: Asking questions and expressing one's feelings are important for a healthy grief process. Finding understandable answers to the questions he asks will reduce his anxiety. In addition, after the news of the death, the child may feel sad and cry. These feelings are very normal. Just as adults go through the mourning process, children also go through the mourning process after losing someone close to them.
When the news of the death is given to the child, the family's making a statement according to their beliefs will prevent anxiety and fear. It alleviates. Explanations such as "This world is over, the other world is beginning, life continues there, we will not see it anymore in this world" reduce anxiety in the child. If the person does not believe in the afterlife, it is explained that death is the end and that the dead person will no longer be able to see, hear or speak.
Sometimes, children do not react to your explanations because they cannot fully internalize the concept of death or because they deny this situation, they continue their games from where they left off. You may act as if nothing is happening, in which case try to understand what your child is going through.
Sudden changes in the child's life such as room, house, school, city should be avoided and the old order should be continued.
Things That Should Not Be Told to Children About Death
"People are born, grow, grow old, die" is the saying of children. This may cause fear of growing up and dying by growing old, or may refuse to eat in order not to grow up, or may feel sad that their grandparents will die, thinking that they are getting old. Sayings such as "He will take me with him quickly", "God killed the person I love", "What did he do, why did he take me with him?", "If God loves me, he will take me and my other loved ones with him, I shouldn't do good, I should do mischief so that God won't take me with him". Alternative sentences used instead of the concept of death confuse the child more and trigger anxiety. Statements such as “He went to heaven, it is very beautiful there, good people go to heaven, he is in heaven now” can be confusing for a child who does not know the concept of heaven and hell. The thought "If heaven is so beautiful, let's die and go there too" may occur.
Discourses such as "He has become an angel, watching you from the clouds" may trigger the anxiety of being observed.
"He got sick and died", " "He got sick and couldn't get better" means; It reinforces the child's anxiety that "If I get sick, I will die too", so it should be conveyed that not every disease results in death, and that mild illnesses are cured after taking our medicine and being treated.
Discourses such as "He went on a long journey" also wait for the child and ask, "Why doesn't he come?" ” , “Why did he leave me?” He may become angry with the deceased.
Discourses such as “He is sleeping deeply”, “He is in eternal sleep” can cause sleep disorders in children and reinforce anxiety.
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