Every season we overhaul something... maintenance of the car, painting of the house, removal of the items in the closet... how many of us review ourselves or our relationships... . Do seasons pass only over things, and the wearing hand of time does not touch us? Come on, take care of your marriage this season.
Marriage is a third person other than two people. Unlike the spouses in the relationship, it also has its own needs, crises or stability. Couples focusing only on their own or their partner's wishes and needs, and not meeting the needs of the relationship, results in physical separation of the couple, such as divorce or living apart, or emotional separation, living together in the same house, as if everything is fine, without touching each other's lives. .
Expectations
One of the problems in marriage is that expectations are not met. Placing expectations on the relationship at the very beginning causes us to start our marriage with a potential problem. When we look at social media; On the eve of marriage, we often come across the headlines "Days away from eternal happiness, my soul mate, we are two halves of the same apple" or "Happy new years like this" when the relationship is going well. Even though the magnitude of the expectation sounds poetic, how frightening it is actually... the messages it gives. When looked at ;” If we are together, we should think and act like each other, there is no room for individuality in the relationship, we should not have any conflicts in this relationship, having problems indicates that the relationship is going bad. However, can't we exist together as two different fruits in a basket, can't diversity keep life colorful and dynamic, can't we have problems and overcome them like every adult? Can happiness only reside in houses with pink shutters? Even if we take children into account; If your child, whom you expected to have blue eyes, has brown eyes, do you love him less if he cannot enter the science high school but goes to the school you go to next to your house?.. It is one of the well-known reproach sentences in couples therapy; I had never imagined it like this. Disappointment soon begins to surround the relationship, taking with it sadness and anger.
One of the best investments you can make is to review your expectations. Of course, we can create expectations towards the people we live with, but the degree of this and how compatible it is with reality is important. Ask yourself:
When did you first build these expectations, when did you first think that you would not be happy without them, from which relationship did you learn this? How do you feel when you encounter expectations that you cannot meet?
Communication
Communication is the component that undermines the relationship and is actually the easiest to fix. Not expressing wishes, needs and expectations clearly, preferring implicit messages or body language in conversations, expecting the other person to read minds with clairvoyance, after a while, either makes communication hurtful and unhealthy, or couples avoid communication to avoid facing this troublesome situation. They find themselves.. Using the meanings of words as we know them in communication, using phrases with more "I" in them instead of constantly making sentences with "you" in front of us, ensuring that verbal and behavioral messages are consistent with each other, ensures that couples understand each other correctly. Correct communication and problem solving. It reduces living and makes it easier to solve the current problem. The purpose of communication is not to compromise, but to try to understand each other. Agreeing on the same idea after every dialogue is a dreamy expectation. One of the reasons for avoiding communication is the confusion between understanding the other person and agreeing with him. We can understand the other person but still not agree with him. Even if our wishes are not realized in a relationship, thinking that we are understood makes us feel good and reminds us that we are a team again.
Express your feelings
The need to establish relationships is innate. Marriage is an emotional investment, of course we do not ignore the realities of life; rent payment, bills, school installments, family social relations, life planning, etc. are realities in life. However, focusing only on these realities, ignoring our emotional needs, and constantly making sentences starting with "From a logical point of view..." in the relationship, i It disrupts the emotional part of the relationship. Marriage is not a company, it is an institution created to meet emotional needs, which includes our emotional side such as loving, being loved, feeling valuable, being understood and being happy. False myths such as "our emotions are our weaknesses, only women are emotional, if we show our emotions, the other person can harm us" lead us into an unrelated relationship. Without emotions, a relationship cannot exist, but togetherness can only be achieved. We become indebted to emotions, and ultimately our human side, that is, our emotionality, collects its debt from us. When we look at it, unsatisfied emotional needs in marriage appear as a conflict. Express your emotional needs in the relationship and request it from your partner. "I feel unhappy today, I'm disappointed, I need your support, can you hug me or caress my hair?" Express it instead of waiting for these to be understood. Meeting your needs when requested does not lose its value.
Squeezing between me and we
The first moment we exist, we coexist in the mother's womb, that is, inside a living creature. Then we discover the world and separate. People who cannot achieve this separation in a healthy way tend to co-exist with each other out of fear that "if we move away, we will get lost." He forces two people to become one person, either by melting his own identity and merging with his partner, or by melting his partner's identity and absorbing her. This is the narrowest possible pressure; it does not guarantee the relationship and creates a desire to escape. One of the issues to consider when reviewing the relationship is how much space we give to ourselves or to the other person's self. Marriage is the sum of an area where couples have their own individual areas, friends, pursuits or jobs, and a common area between couples.
Power conflict
Another problem of marriage is “mirror mirror, tell me which one of us is more perfect.” ” is. Sometimes it is expressed openly, sometimes implicitly; "If it wasn't for me, the kids wouldn't even think about doing their homework. If it were up to him, we would barely make it through the end of the month. Thank God, I explained the situation to my parents and prevented the crisis." These are: I am more sensitive than you about children, I am more successful than you in making economic decisions, our social relations would be in chaos without me. mek.. does being good at one thing mean that the other is bad? Must positioning necessarily be hierarchical? Are people divided into two groups: those who are more successful than us and those who are less successful than us? Can't we exist on an equal plane? Instead of comparing our abilities, wouldn't sharing space based on our strengths make us stronger? Couples often confuse being equal with being the same. We are different from each other in terms of temperament and skills, but when we look at the total, we are equal. What makes us strong is not the power struggle, but weighing ourselves with our weaknesses and strengths, realizing ourselves, and being complementary and complete rather than competing in certain areas.
Accept
I will change people with them, ultimately the way I want. You don't set out to transform yourself into someone. Sometimes couples realize they've spent their entire lives trying to change each other. In this struggle, they can neither make each other exactly what they want nor be happy... However, we cannot determine the order of the seasons or the sunrise... We accept the people in front of us as they are, we focus on the aspects of them that we love, the aspects that make us love them... good person - bad person. There is right behavior and wrong behavior rather than people, just like in ourselves. We can demand our spouse to change his behavior, but asking him to change his personality means promising that we will change our own personality according to every demand.
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