Self discipline; It can be defined as the individual determining what he needs to do in order to reach a goal he wants to achieve and choosing himself, making an effort in this direction, producing the desired solutions for the obstacles he encounters, and achieving his reward by achieving "success".
Setting limits; It is the determination of what, how much, when, where and in what way the individual can do.
Setting limits for the child; It is not about telling the child “don't do it”; It is not about setting rules with a strict authoritarian attitude. The rules set are actually free and safe spaces for the child. It is necessary to distinguish between right and wrong behavior and to acquire and internalize correct behavior patterns. So, what do we mean by correct behavior? These are cognitively, spiritually and socially desired behaviors. In other words, correct behavior is accepted positive attitudes that are appropriate to the thought system, emotional world and social environments.
The child who learns the correct behavioral style will gain competence in solving psychosocial problems in the family and social environments and even in his own inner world. This competence will also spread to academic areas in the child who starts school. Namely; We are talking about a situation that provides dozens of achievements such as decision-making, taking responsibility for one's decisions and bearing the consequences, character development, developing problem-solving strategies, harmony with oneself and the environment - which is an important criterion of intelligence - life satisfaction, and satisfying and developing human relations.
When it comes to setting limits, it can often remind parents of constantly saying "NO", a sack full of rules, authority, anti-democratic parental attitudes, the child's unhappiness and even psychological deterioration. However, setting limits; It is essential for the child's safety and development
How to Set Limits for the Child?
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Limits should be determined together with the child.
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The rules within the boundary should be set with an attitude that includes unconditional compassion and acceptance, without engaging in a power struggle with the child, without damaging the child's self-perception, without scolding or humiliating.
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Not only what the child "can't do" but also "what he can do" should be included in the agenda. Expectations should be defined with positive sentences. For example; “Don't mess up your room” instead of “I'm waiting for you to tidy your room.” In the form…
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The reason and necessity of the restrictions should be explained to the child briefly and clearly. “Drinking cold water while sweating may harm your health.” In the form of…
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Rules should be determined together as a family and sanctions should be clarified when not followed. Sanction; It should not be understood as punishment, but as the child suffering the consequences of the situation and being deprived of the reward. For example; The child who is promised to go to the park after completing his homework will be deprived of going to the park before completing his homework.
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Adults should first be a model for the child in the decisions made. For example, a parent who asks the child to soap his hands before eating should soap his hands first.
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Adults should be prepared for children's attempts to resist the rules and stretch the boundaries. It is possible to experience short-term crying and stamping. However, the parent should show his determination to the child with a clear attitude here.
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Unless there is an important reason, the rules should not be changed, but the rules should be updated when necessary.
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Everyone in the family must follow the rules.
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Adults must be consistent in their attitudes, within themselves and among each other.
Let's continue with another example; For example, let's imagine a child who wants to go out in summer clothes in the middle of winter. Here, will we respect the child's preferences and support the "development of his self-confidence", or will we fight for his physiological health? Response; Not both.
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First of all, we expect summer clothes to be in a place that is not easily accessible and not always in sight during the winter season.
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Secondly, we expect the child to be explained in short and clear sentences why the clothes in question are not suitable.
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Thirdly; We can suggest that the resistant child spend a few minutes on the balcony with the clothes he wants - provided that he changes them when going out.
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Finally, "Do you want to wear trousers or tights?" We may ask him/her to choose among the appropriate options.
There is no scientific evidence that the psychology of the child who cries, kicks, and beats himself up in this scene will deteriorate. However, there are many scientific studies showing that parental attitudes that violate the boundaries they set themselves, immediately change the rules, and in short, are not consistent, harm the psychological health of the child.
It is very important to allow children who get upset, even cry, to experience their emotions when faced with boundaries. . It is normal and natural for children, like adults, to be sad from time to time. An individual cannot be expected to be happy all the time. The parent's duty here is to tell the child that he understands his feelings and make him feel: “I understand that you are upset right now. I also know you love this outfit. It's a really nice outfit... However, I don't want you to get sick and suffer when you go out with this in -15 degree cold.”
In the example above, the reason for the limit is also appropriately explained. From time to time, children may want to push and stretch the limits set. In fact, this is related to their curiosity about the boundaries of the world. What needs to be taken into consideration here is to stand behind the established rule, except for rare situations and justifications. Every parent must be consistent both within themselves and with their partner. So there should be one voice. It may require some patience, but when the rules are established, the free space for both the child and the parent expands.
In recent years, parents have been talking about "insatiable" children who are constantly dissatisfied, who cannot be happy no matter what they do, and whose happiness lasts only a short time. It can be said that there is a serious damage to the development of self-discipline in the children in question. The child is not given the opportunity to set goals, to strive to achieve the goal, and to applaud his efforts. For example; Children who are bought too many toys... Instead of buying large amounts of artificial and noisy toys to "develop their intelligence", the child should be given the opportunity to open his own receptors in the natural environment. Namely; Let's think about the value of a simple maneuver such as saving money for a toy, or a toy that can be made at home with the family using waste materials, instead of immediately buying a toy that the child wants and giving it to him:
The child can manage money. He will experience something.
The child will make an effort to save his money for a goal.
He will learn to postpone gratification.
Trying to make toys with waste materials as a family activity will also turn into an enjoyable sharing.
In short; Boundaries that are fair, democratic, compassionate and respectful are mandatory and important for the psychological maturity and health of every child.
I wish you all "Healthy Boundaries" until we meet again on another issue.
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