Not being able to say no can be difficult for all of us from time to time. We can fulfill the wishes of others even though we don't want to, we can participate in environments we do not want, or we can do things that will challenge us. We can define this situation as the sacrifice, helpfulness and kindness we make for the other person, but when this situation is repeated constantly, it is necessary to go beyond these definitions. The reason behind not being able to say no is not to offend or please the person making the request. If the individual's freedom is restricted so that the other person will not be offended, we can talk about the submissiveness scheme here.
At the center of submissiveness is the belief in pleasing other people. The person's focus is not on himself. A person does not feel the need to please himself and other people's wishes always take priority. Meeting other people's needs and pleasing them brings great responsibility, and these responsibilities are very tiring. The subordination schema deprives the person of the perception of what he wants and needs, and the person feels stuck in his life and his freedom is restricted. Being a spectator about one's own life, not being able to shape one's life, not being able to express one's needs, and passivity are the basic characteristics of a person with a submissive schema. On the other hand, the person may describe himself as a helpful, kind, easy-going person who can get along well with everyone. In addition to needs being subjugated, emotions can also be subjugated. The person suppresses his emotions, especially his anger, to avoid conflict and to avoid being punished.
Origin of the Submissiveness Schema
When we look at the origins of the submissiveness schema, during the childhood of the person who developed the submissiveness schema, his mother and father may not have cared about his needs or the child's needs. and may have been punished or ignored when expressing feelings. The child may have received messages from such experiences that his or her needs are unimportant and that he or she will be punished by other people if he expresses his needs. Thus, in order not to lose or gain the love and affection of his parents, the person puts his own wishes aside and meets their demands. yeast starts. For example, he may be a well-behaved child who does not misbehave, does not play with children his mother does not want, goes to the school his father wants, or chooses the profession his father wants. This may also be reflected in his choice of spouse. The submissive schema is a conditioned (secondary) schema and was acquired to break free from unconditional (primary) schemas. First of all, it is necessary to understand what the primary schema is. Emotional deprivation, abandonment, culpability and punitiveness schemas are the first ones that come to mind among the primary schemas.
Submissiveness and Aggression
People with a submissive schema meet the demands of the other party in order to please them and thus continue their relationships without any conflict. However, as long as this situation continues, the person accumulates anger towards the person making the request because his freedom is restricted. While the submissive attitude represents one extreme, the aggressive and rejecting attitude represents the other extreme. When a person does not want to be submissive, he becomes aggressive as a result of the anger he has accumulated inside him. Demanding person; It could be our parents, spouse, friend or one of our colleagues at work. When the demands of a demanding person are constantly met and suddenly rejected by a submissive person, the person feels rejected and feels offended. Well, wasn't the primary purpose of the submissive person not to offend the other person? Since the opposite of submissiveness is rejection, the person becomes aggressive and rejecting the moment he wants to give up submissiveness. The person who feels good about not giving in and being able to say no, also struggles with the feeling of guilt for hurting the other person.
Healthy Adult Mode
There is a point that is missed: That is, there is a third way. A person who can express his needs and is accepting is neither rejecting nor submissive. In the schema therapy approach, the healthy adult mode of the clients is tried to be strengthened, and the healthy adult is the person who can freely express his needs and is accepting. When needs are expressed in a healthy way, the other party does not feel offended, offended or rejected, and the person is now aware of his or her own needs and can express them. feels good. However, there may be demanding people around the person, and no matter how much the person expresses his needs and sets limits, the people around him may continue to demand. In this case, if a person accepts the other person rather than waiting for him to change or trying to change him, he becomes free. Accepting it does not mean submitting to it. On the other hand, if a person expresses his or her needs in a healthy way and the other person is a healthy adult, they will not experience any problems in their relationships. However, if the other person retaliates, he is not a useful person to have a close relationship with.
However, we all have some important people in our lives that we cannot avoid our relationship with. For example; This demanding person is someone from our or our spouse's family and we have bowed to his demands for a very long time in the past, we do not want to bow to him anymore and we set boundaries in a healthy way. Because we no longer have a goal of pleasing him. But no matter how many limits we set, it continues to demand. This situation may activate our submissiveness schema again, but we also begin to accumulate anger. We are patient, we manage, we try to ignore it, and these reduce our energy. But if we accept it as it is, we save ourselves the energy we would spend to change it.
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