Recently, I came across an article by columnist Onur Baştürk about the divorce of a well-known face. It was an article about a photo of the couple smiling together after the divorce and how civilized the divorce was. So I looked at this photo with my psychologist glasses and thought. A couple with five children decides to part ways. Fighting, noiseless, smiling... A picture that our society is not accustomed to... We can talk about a social perception as if separations are always quarrelsome, contentious and with lots of insults. However, just as the motivation and energy of each couple to decide on marriage differs, the reasons and forms of separation will also differ, and yes, why is it not possible to divorce with a smile or even holding hands? I would like to talk a little about how couples who break up like this manage to do this.
In the old years, I would ask a person who broke up, "Why are you breaking up?" If the question was asked and the answers were such as "There is a lack of communication between me and my spouse" or "The paths we want to follow have differed", this person would most likely be given strange looks. In our parents' time, the dissolution of a marriage could only be considered reasonable if there were reasons such as intense violence, alcohol or substance use. I say maybe because there is an image of "sacred marriage" ingrained in the genetics of our society, that is, people get married in our country as if they do not want to get divorced. The sanctity of the "home" is emphasized and marriages must continue, especially if children are born! Especially, there are so many responsibilities placed on women. The saying "The female bird builds the nest" has loomed over even educated women for years. There has always been a perception as if women had the main role in making relationships work.
Don't you think that the connotations of a woman, and especially a woman who has become a mother, are like this in our country? “Sacrifice, devoted to her children, forgetting her own individual needs, able to manage her spouse, taking care of her husband, being more in the background, compiler, organizer, etc.” This order and the adjectives attributed to women, which envisage them being in the background, are no longer in the world of educated, working women living in big cities like Istanbul. It is not accepted, everyone embraces their own identity more. Freedom and feeling free are very important. While in the past the forties were the age of "retreating to a corner", now the idea of "Life begins at forty" is accepted.
When we look at it in this context, marriage is now an institution that is essential to be managed and carried out for both men and women. It ceases to be. There is no doubt that every couple gets married to be happy; They have dreams, plans, positive expectations. However, the passage of time can affect two people differently. Both men and women can differ within themselves, their expectations from life, what they want to do, their mindset and beliefs can change. While this change is taking place, we see that if men and women keep their common set of relationships constant and do not renew them, the equation is disrupted and problems arise. However, the relationship should renew its elements of excitement and passion, both emotionally and sexually, every period. Differences, mutual surprises, breaking the routine... If the monotony in the relationship has been going on for a while, it is very difficult for the emotions to remain intense.
For a marriage to continue, the emotional bond of both parties, the depth of their sharing, closeness and mutual understanding are essential. I always think there are determinants. In my opinion, spouses feel happy and satisfied to the extent that they feel connected to each other and free at the same time. If this mutual exchange has been interrupted for a long time, and if both parties often feel sad, de-energized, angry, unhappy, a marriage therapy may be considered first. They can work together, hand in hand, to find the reasons that brought them to this point and to take their relationship to the point they want and dream of. After this study, I can say, based on my couple therapy practices, that there are couples who can make their relationships stronger than before. However, as a result of all these efforts, I also see couples who cannot mobilize their emotions and agree that their paths have completely separated.
Even the most conflict-free, fight-free divorces are challenging for men and women. As a result, a feeling of "loss" is experienced and ups and downs similar to the mourning process may be experienced. But, in order not to experience this loss in a traumatic way, If efforts have been made to repair the relationship but no results have been achieved, understanding and compromising is important for the psychological health of the couple.
Convincing that there is nothing to give or take from each other, and both parties meeting this fact with maturity and trying to accept it, is the subject of Onur Baştürk's article. It can also result in a smiling, friendly parting, as in the photo of the couple. I find it very useful that the news of couples who can break up like this find coverage in the media, in terms of setting a positive example for society.
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