We start our relationships with the perception that ours will be the ideal relationship and it will always be like this. After a while, we realize that everything is not going as we wanted and there is a break somewhere. At this point, if I want to make an explanation with the science of psychology, I can list many things as reasons such as unconscious processes, childhood experiences, attachment styles, negative experiential experiences, schema and mode styles and communication problems. But to stop here and now, we can see that all of our past, attachment styles or traumas are reflected in our communication in our relationships. Because no matter what happened in the past, we express it in our present life, by communicating or by our actions, by nature. I would like to address this point with the famous 4 horsemen of the apocalypse by Couple Therapist Gottman. The 4 horsemen of the apocalypse are the metaphorical names of the attitude, attitude and behavioral reflections we use when communicating in relationships. These are: Humiliation, Criticism, Defense and Walling.
1. Humiliation: It is one of the most negative behaviors that should not be in relationships. It is the situation in which one of the spouses considers himself superior to the other and belittles the other. In such a relationship, conflict will be inevitable. Since the expressions of contempt contain messages of disgust, it will be impossible to solve the problems and will lead to the end of the relationship.
For example; “You are so incompetent” “I told you so.” "What you're doing is utter stupidity." etc. Personal accusations contain humiliation.
What should be in a happy relationship is appreciation and respect rather than humiliation.
2 . Criticism: Criticism is negative statements about character and personality. Complaints between couples are inevitable; however, complaint and criticism are concepts that are often confused with each other.
For example; “I'm sick of you talking about yourself all the time, how selfish you are.” while his expression is criticism; “I feel insignificant when you talk about yourself all the time and don't ask how I am, lü Would you please be more careful about this?"
What should be in a happy relationship is to use "I" language and to express feelings instead of criticizing with the phrase "you".
3. Defense : Another behavior that causes the relationship to end is that couples constantly defend themselves without trying to understand the other party. The most distinctive feature in defense is not hearing what the other side is saying. When one couple criticizes the other, the other gets into a defensive position; however, since the defense is a kind of blame and contains the message "it's not me, it's you", the conflict continues to increase and an inextricable negative interactional cycle occurs.
For example, "This is your fault.", "You are responsible for this. ” “Actually, you do this more.” Expressions like these include defense and guilt at the same time.
What should be in a happy relationship is not just trying to defend oneself, but also acknowledging part of the problem and assuming responsibility< /strong>is.
4. Walling:Although wall-building may seem less dangerous than the other three behaviors, it is actually one of the behaviors that harms the relationship the most. Walling is when one of the couples cuts off physical and mental communication and does not speak during the discussion. This type of behavior is dangerous because it gives the message of "you are worthless" to the other party.
For example, being offended, pouting or remaining silent is a wall-building behavior.
What should be in a happy relationship After calming down, it is to talk about the problem.
If I want to metaphorize the situation, we usually bring our armor and swords with us when we start a relationship so they can protect us. So that we don't get hurt again or our childhood wounds don't bleed again. We can think of each of us as Don Quixote with a sword on a horse. I say Don Quixote because the person we fight is the person we, ironically, we take into our lives with love through the act of fighting, and we dare to even willingly enter a war we can never win. At this point, instead of "making love", he chooses to fight and face the apocalypse. We start using the 4 horsemen. We often do not do this consciously; because we do not know how to communicate correctly; we have not learned this way from the subculture we come from, we have not seen it, or we are using a defense mechanism in this way in order to "protect" ourselves. If we do not resolve the conflicts in our relationships, it is not possible for our wounds to heal. A real and meaningful relationship is being able to surrender ourselves to our partner with all our vulnerability. It is about both sides surrendering to each other and approaching with compassion. Of course, with passion and passion, unlike childhood attachment. I hope you can throw your swords and armors aside and leave the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse to their own devices...
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