REASONS FOR DIVORCE
Marriage, like every other institution, is an institution that has problems from time to time, and when these problems cannot be resolved, the result unfortunately ends in divorce. If a new member joins the family during the marriage, divorce becomes more painful. The reasons that lead to the end of a marriage can be very diverse, we can list the most common reasons as follows:
economic problems
differences in the socio-cultural structure of the spouses
sexual problems
p>communication disorder
betrayal of one of the spouses
domestic violence
The mother of a couple experiencing marital problems due to the above reasons -As fathers, we cannot expect them to establish healthy relationships with their children; Even if the mother or father establish healthy relationships with their children separately, they will have difficulty in displaying consistent, balanced attitudes and behaviors towards their children together. The negative effects on the child of continuing a marriage with chronic problems that cannot be dealt with, that cannot be solved, can sometimes be greater and more destructive than the effects of the divorce itself.
The reason and form of the divorce determine how much the children will be affected by the divorce;
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For example, let's compare a marriage that ended due to disagreement (miscommunication) with a marriage that ended as a result of betrayal by one of the spouses. In the first one, spouses can be more conciliatory and more rational in dealing with problems related to the child. In the second case, spouses display more angry and hostile attitudes towards each other, and when this is the case, they cannot be conciliatory even if they want to. In the second type of divorce, children naturally suffer more damage.
POINTS TO CONSIDER DURING THE DIVORCE PROCESS
Whatever the reasons that push you to decide on divorce, divorce Before making your final decision, be sure to review the following issues;
The reason for my problems and unhappiness is my marriage, I do not attribute other problems to my marriage,
I did everything I could to save my marriage,
>I made this decision for a long time and without being influenced by it,
Both my wife and I gave enough time to our relationship,
Our child and I will be affected by the divorce. �iz,
I have the strength to deal with new problems that may arise after divorce,
I am only divorcing my spouse, not my child (especially for fathers),
My spouse is also divorced from me. We need our child in the future, our child needs both me and my spouse, it does not belong to just one of us.
If you have made your decision firmly or if your spouse has definitely decided to divorce you even if you do not want it, your child will not have to divorce. Try to fulfill the following items in order to ensure that the child is affected by the process as little as possible;
It is necessary to inform and raise the child's awareness about what divorce is and what changes will occur in the lives of the mother, father and child after the divorce. During the divorce process, moving city or house, changing caregivers, a new marriage, etc. Postpone life changes. If there are some changes that must be experienced, try to make gradual transitions to them. Because every change, even if it is positive, requires extra effort and it may be difficult for your child to adapt to all of it. For the same reason, whichever of the spouses the child will stay with after the divorce, he and the child should continue to live in the place where the family lived before the divorce.
The spouses should gather their own families (grandmother, aunt, uncle, etc.) and hold a meeting together and Everyone should be aware of the decisions made regarding the child. In this way, everyone is reminded that cooperation is inevitable for the child, it is underlined that the child can be very affected by this situation and sensitivity is expected from everyone on this issue, and since everyone has a contribution to the decisions, the rules are broken less.
The spouse who will live separately from the child will gradually leave the house. should start to stay; When this period is increased from one day a week to 5-6 days, the child adapts to separation more easily. After divorce, children should continue to have constant and regular contact with both spouses. You may not be lovers or husband and wife anymore, but you are still parents to him. He got to know you together and wants you together, try to understand this and give him time to get used to your separation. Explain to your child that just because parents are separated from each other does not mean they are separated from their children. Get together often (See yourself, your partner) Do not feel obliged to explain this coming together with your spouse to anyone!!!).
Spouses should not forget that divorce is as difficult for themselves as it is for their children, and they should accept divorce as a beginning, not an end. Psychological problems such as anger, loneliness, depression, and anxiety may arise. These are natural, and if necessary, you should not hesitate to seek professional help. The quicker they recover, the more useful they can be to their children. It should not be forgotten that children often look at the reactions of adults to understand how threatening or not a new situation they encounter is. A constantly crying mother will give the child the impression that the situation is bad, while a cheerful and trying mother will give the impression that everything is going well.
Spouses should never use children against each other; The child should not be held as a party or witness in any way. Get your child's approval when making decisions about new regulations, but do not crush your child under the responsibility of decision-making.
The child should not use being the child of divorced parents as a weapon against his/her environment. By making unnecessary concessions on every issue, the wounds the child will suffer from the divorce will only be increased, not reduced. You cannot make your child less affected by the divorce by letting him eat chocolate every day, you will only make him get more accustomed to chocolate.
Spouses should try not to behave in conflict with each other in all matters related to the child, and a common path should be followed. What is allowed in the father's house should not be prohibited in the mother's house.
Children may blame themselves for their parents' divorce. Therefore, it should be clearly explained that the reason for the divorce has nothing to do with the child, and that it is due to the disagreement between the mother and father.
The child does not want to replace his parents, and this must be respected. If one of the spouses is having a new relationship after the divorce, the child should not know about this until the divorce is accepted.
During the divorce, children should not be informed about issues such as the court, property distribution, alimony.
Two warnings for anyone who has a relationship with a child whose parents are divorced or in the process of divorce:
PLEASE,
Do not talk about this issue in front of the child, especially do not use words that favor or disparage one of the spouses.
Do not associate the divorce with the child and do not use words with this meaning to the child;
Because his mother or father does not love him, because he is very naughty, because he prefers to be with another woman, etc. Never say you left. This is a mistake that families and even themselves of divorced couples make a lot. Although these words are justified with good intentions such as "the child should be alienated from the mother or father and not call them", this is neither convincing nor very rational. With such words, we do not console the child, but only inject him with a "feeling of abandonment and/or guilt". Thus, the child thinks that he is abandoned because he is not worthy of love and is worthless. Can you imagine how deep and irreparable wounds such words can cause in children?
Last warning for parents:
Even if you take all precautions to ensure that your child is affected by your divorce as little as possible by acting together with your spouse before deciding to divorce, your child may be greatly affected by this event. Sometimes you act very carelessly, but your child is not affected much. There are two reasons for this; First, not every child is affected by every event to the same extent, and second, even if the effects of the event are equal, the reactions and the time of the reaction may be different.
In addition, the divorce event undoubtedly affects the children, but the children are affected more than the event itself. They are affected by the way it happens and what happens in the process. There are a thousand different ways to explain something to children. The important thing is to find the right path for our child. A path that is right for our child, under our conditions, may not be right for another child under his or her conditions. Please do not hesitate to seek professional help in preparing your child for the divorce process, do not see this as something to be ashamed of. When doing this, do it as early as possible, before or immediately after the decision to divorce. Meanwhile, the couple decided to continue their marriage after seeing that they were able to solve their communication problems while getting professional help for their children during the divorce phase. I would like to remind you that the number of them is also large.
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