Marriage means a new beginning for both men and women. How does sharing the same house with someone else and the accompanying responsibilities affect the fate of marriage?
Clinical Psychologist Handan Ergün Hoşrik, one of the experts at Medalyon Psychiatry Center, on suggestions for newly married couples, the difficulties of the first months of marriage and couple therapy. gave information.
We got married. So what will happen now? What difficulties await newly married couples in the first months?
We can call the first year an adaptation period. Marriage brings new status and expectations to couples. A process that changes material and spiritual lives such as adapting to the new status, taking on household responsibilities, and becoming a family awaits our couples. It is necessary to adapt to many different issues such as getting used to living together spatially, meals to be eaten together, and commuting to work. It is actually an enjoyable process as long as good communication is maintained.
Is this process always difficult?
Of course not. How culturally the couples adapt to their families and their family structures become important in this process. It is also very important whether you are separated from the family or not. In 70% of the cases received, the level of distress regarding the families is high. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman at this point. A person who is separated from his own family in a healthy way can also establish a healthy relationship with his spouse. There is no such thing as no problem. There may be problems, the important thing is to try to get through it together. It's like this throughout life.
'Both parties are new in that house.'
The biggest problems of couples why? Can we call it separation from the family?
The main problem is communication. Can they solve problems together? This is really important. They think that what I say will happen. They are afraid of being dominated. If they get carried away by allegations or sanctions or silence their demands, there is a problem. In fact, it is important to express expectations and demands in the first months. However, it is not necessary to wait for marriage for the problems to be resolved on their own. If there is a lot of fighting and noise, a solution needs to be found from the beginning. They should not keep people waiting to solve their problems after marriage, saying 'There is a miracle in marriage'.
Couples therapy is your right. Can you also give information?
Couples can come with any problems. Disagreements, family impasses, arguments, infidelities, etc. People who come to couples therapy first explain what feelings they have. We invite the couple to meet first together and then separately. Then we determine what process we will follow. From time to time, during the individual interview, one of the couples may say that they do not want to continue, in which case it is of course not possible to continue the therapy by force.
What do you do if you see that the marriage of the couple who comes to therapy will not really work?
We share new ways and methods that couples can try. They generally do not want to take responsibility and want to hear something from our mouth. They want to hear a decision like 'keep going or leaving'. We do not make this decision. We provide support with the solution. Generally, couples come to therapy as a last resort. In fact, we prefer them to come at an earlier point. Sometimes they want to end the relationship but cannot, and we still help during that time. We are there to guide them to make the right decision they need.
We all have different equipment that we bring from our own families in the past. I can give an example of this.
'A married couple came because they were left unresolved due to the problems brought about by the expectations in their relationship. When the man got sick, he complained that he could not get enough emotional support and attention from his wife. His wife stays away from him due to his illness and there is mutual tension. Because what the man sees from his own family; The sick person is taken care of and cared for. He grew up with the habit that a sick person gets better with attention. This is what he expects from his wife. The woman's childhood was also filled with illnesses. She had to take care of her mother and father. That's why he perceives the disease as a threat and prefers to stay away. He also experiences loss anxiety. Since the question of what to do when they get sick comes from different family stories, their reactions are also different. They have conflicts because they do not know why each other behaves this way. When we talk about these in the therapy room, we expect this style because of each other's past. When they realized that they were entering into marriages, it was easy for them to understand each other and resolve the tension. . They should not express it by blaming or criticizing. They should not expect everything to happen in the family they have established, just like in their own family. If we continue with the example above, saying "I need more support and attention when I get sick" instead of saying "You are so indifferent and unsympathetic" will help us be understood and accepted more easily. If they have problems, I recommend them to get support without delay. Generally, applications start coming to us after the 7th month. First they try their own solution methods, they wait and then they come to get support. For example, jealousy does not change after marriage; it continues to increase in many cases as possession becomes legal.
Read: 0
