Family relationships are one of the factors that most affect people's character development, perhaps the strongest. The ways and how we establish relationships with others are also the ways we learn from our family, because the first other person for us is our mother and father. The way they communicate with us and with each other will serve as a role model for the relationships we will establish in the future. Anger, which manifests itself in the communication of family members with each other, can also secretly infiltrate people's private lives and begin to take a place as a natural element in their relationships outside the family. In this sense, in both family and couple therapies and individual therapies, anger that manifests itself in relationships is often handled through the relationships in the family.
Anger is often like a peak standing on top of accumulated emotions. It is necessary to listen to anger in order to understand its cause and work on it. Since childhood, we are raised with the knowledge that anger is a bad emotion, but while focusing on this, we miss the message it contains. Anger often occurs when a person's stress level increases and the perception that their needs are not being met. Therefore, the world is not actually divided into angry people and non-angry people. Everyone has times when they are angry, but each person's way and level of coping with anger is different.
Anger is a difficult emotion to deal with for many people, because;
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It is very powerful. and is filled with intense stress,
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It is the emotion that least evokes empathy and support from other people.
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Expressing anger in the presence of external targets It can also give people who experience it the fear of harming or hurting someone or something they love.
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When the feeling of anger rises, it becomes difficult for that person to make a positive perception of himself,
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It may push the person to say things that they will be ashamed of or regret in the future.
Anger can become a very destructive energy source, depending on its intensity. We can turn this difficult-to-control feeling into constructive energy only by working on it. A person can gain an understanding of his/her anger by questioning how and why anger is visible. If he starts to see the real starting point behind him, it will help him cope a lot. In this sense, it will be developmental for you to take time to get to know yourself, evaluate your feelings and thoughts, and look within yourself for the answer to the question of why I got angry at this in your angry moments. Attributing anger only to an external problem will cause it to be covered up and re-emerge at another time.
Anger is actually a self-defense that usually arises as a result of a perception of danger or threat, whether real or imaginary. Our body is making a call to us against this danger it perceives, and that call must be listened to, because according to therapists, this is a threat perceived by an unseen part of us that we usually repress, perhaps feel ashamed of, and turns into anger with a defense like a lion becoming aggressive while trying to protect its cub. This threat does not always have to be an attack; being alone or being excluded can also be a threat. The situation may be perceived as a threat and cause anger because it is similar to another threat in the past. In any case, what we need to know is that a part of us that needs to be understood is calling out to us. Therefore, what we really need in times of anger is acceptance, care, understanding and emotional support. Therefore, when you are angry, or when your child, spouse or another relative is angry, adding water instead of adding fuel to the fire, and trying to empathize and comfort the person instead of responding to their anger with anger will be good for both parties.
Anger is generally more beneficial for both parties. it is a cry for help for positive actions that can make you feel powerful; for example, asking for support from someone around you or a professional, and being honest with yourself when expressing your thoughts, feelings, concerns, and other strong emotions. It will be much easier to make positive changes in our lives when we can take it seriously and listen to it, rather than fighting our anger (ignoring it, forcing ourselves, directing it to others).
If we are angry with a specific person or a situation, and this person is constantly around us. It may be even more difficult to control anger if we are an angry person or if we are constantly faced with that situation. However, it is useful to know that these people and situations are not coincidental, they are placed somewhere, a person or a position in our family dynamics. As hard as it may sound to believe, the people we get most angry with are often the people from whom we most expect love and support. This is usually why we are most angry at our children, spouse or partner.
Being angry does not make you a worse person, it just makes you someone whose needs are not met. The belief that being angry makes us a bad person also comes from our family, but this is usually because we are the recipients of anger and experience its bad effects. People who were exposed to anger in their childhood often state that they tried not to be like that angry person, but eventually began to become like him. They do not want to be the ones who do this because they experience the bad effects of being the recipient of anger, but when there is a situation they cannot cope with, they eventually start to follow the same path because this is the only way they know how to fight. However, each person is like a special labyrinth, the paths we see while walking in them may seem like dead ends to us, but when we climb a little higher and start looking from the outside, we start to see different, less challenging paths.
But looking from the outside usually requires the presence of someone outside, only This is a job that is not easy to do on your own. Sharing your feelings and thoughts with someone you love and trust, or with a therapist, will significantly help you both listen to yourself deeply and gain insight into controlling your anger, especially if your listener is a non-judgmental person. Because the other person is there to understand you, and that is exactly what you need.
The essence of relationships is reciprocity, that is, the other person's behavior is shaped according to yours, and yours are shaped accordingly. The anger of a family member can cause all communication within the family to be shaken. Although this may seem like a problem that the angry person must overcome, it is actually a process in which the entire family must be involved. Because, as we mentioned, anger What lies behind requires the presence, support and love of other family members. So, if you think you or someone in your family has an anger problem, don't try to work through it on your own or do your best to keep that person from feeling it on their own. As you begin to make peace with your anger, mutual positive emotions will increase and family ties will become stronger.
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