Nobody gets married to get divorced, but there will come a day when we have to part ways. Especially if there is a child or children, everything becomes even more difficult. So what happens to those children? What awaits children who have to grow up apart from one of their parents (usually the father)? In this article, we will focus on the mourning of the loss of the parent and the "family" who stay away with the divorce process, the perception of inadequacy, the wounds caused by being stuck in the middle, giving the child a unifying role, confidant, the effect of the change in order, the feeling of being unwanted and unloved, dependence on the mother, the effect of competition problems and the effects of the separation of siblings. We will talk about it and make some suggestions for the divorce process and after. Since children mostly stay with the mother, we will use the mother instead of the parent next to the child and the father instead of the distant parent in the article. However, the sentences can also be read by interchanging the concepts of mother and father. First of all, we can treat divorce as a mourning process. So the child experiences a loss. It can be experienced as both the loss of a parent and the loss of the feeling of "family" and the old order. How to mourn this loss will depend on the child's age, how the previous separation process went through, how the parent next to him coped with this event, whether he has depression, other support systems (close family members), whether there are suitable people for identification, especially for the boy (uncle, grandfather, etc.). ..), the frequency and quality of the relationship with the father, the level of bonding and sharing with the father before the divorce, how traumatic the divorce process was (fights in front of the child, bad words spoken, the reason for the divorce, children's exposure to this information in processes involving third parties). ) is determined by . The grief of being incomplete is also added to the process. The child is no longer like the others, he is a kind of ugly duckling. He may be ashamed of this situation and afraid that he will be excluded. A tendency to hide and hide may emerge, he/she may abandon the activities he or she did before, and may begin to not want to meet the friends he/she used to see. For this reason, it can be more painful, distressing and irritating on special days such as birthdays and end-of-year shows.
Being in the middle is one of the processes that harms the child the most after divorce. Parents are too aware to get news from each other. can use the child without it. “What did you do with your father?” "Who was with you?" “How is his new house?” “What did you talk about?” " what did you eat?" Even seemingly innocent questions such as these burden the child and confuse him. If he answered the questions correctly, against his father; If he answers incorrectly, he may feel like he has committed a crime against his mother and his anxiety level will increase and he will not know what to do. What's worse is that parents who have negative feelings towards each other share these feelings with their children and unconsciously try to take their revenge through the child. Even the most poisonous mushroom is less painful for the child. Unfortunately, speaking negatively about the other parent, insulting them, and especially implying how badly they treat the child or that they do not love the child, are common mistakes. “He left us”, “If he had thought about you, he wouldn't have done this anyway”, “We divorced because of him” are nothing but unconscious efforts to gain points in the child's arbitration against the ex-spouse, and the child is not interested in your or your ex-spouse's score, because he is already his mother and father. He wants both of you to score 100. The child has to idealize the parents in order to feel safe. Any attempt to break points at this point will force the child to defend himself to restore his idealization. It is a tiring and anxiety-increasing situation for the child.
The burden of being given a unifying role: It is generally an inappropriate attempt made by well-intentioned distant people. It is said, "They made a mistake, you bring them together," and the child is given more burden than he can bear. While almost every child in divorced families has the fantasy of reuniting parents, these warnings and advice from outside push the child into an illusion. The child who cannot accomplish this impossible task may attribute the failure to his own incompetence or unlovability. There is also a situation that is done by the parent who did not want the divorce, which is even more hurtful for the child.
The perception of not being wanted or loved: Children are egocentric by nature, that is, they think in a self-centered way. They tend to take what is happening around them, good or bad, for themselves. Ask a small child "why does the sun rise?" If you ask, "To warm me up?" "in" he will say. Likewise, he has the idea that negative events are caused by him. There is a high probability that he will bear the burden of the divorce and not being able to meet with his father afterwards. For this reason, after divorce, many children may feel that they are unwanted, unloved, and therefore abandoned.
Confidentiality: Mother and father unconsciously or sometimes partially consciously increase sharing and prove that they are not guilty, especially in the child's eyes. He/she may start to confide in the child for this purpose. This confidant may include explaining the reason for the divorce, sharing previous disagreements, the other parent's dislikes, bad traits, how much he/she suffered from him, and his current private life. However, while the child is going back and forth between these cracking and shaking towers, the child needs the parents to stay in their place. Any information about the parents' private life is like shooting a poisonous arrow into the child's inner world. Parents can listen to their children's turns, but this confidant should be one-sided and they should be secretive about their own secrets. The child should not be burdened with burdens that he cannot carry.
Looplessness and change of order:Routine and order are protective for children. Even though they complain about the rules and routine, especially in adolescence but generally at all ages (why should I go to bed at the same time every day, why can't I watch longer cartoons, what if I don't go to school today?) children feel safe when they know what will happen and what they will do at what time on which day. They don't get stressed. However, after the divorce, the household balance may not be in line with the market. The father (used instead of the distant parent) may try to see his child, whom he cannot see as often as before, whenever he gets the chance, or perhaps fathers whose attachment to the child is weaker than their attachment to the spouse may not feel the need to take the child if he is not reminded. Inconsistency and irregularity will increase the child's stress and anxiety. The little mind, which is worried about whether the father will come or not, whether he will buy it or not, may begin to have difficulty recording what he has learned, and the child's academic success may begin to decrease and he may begin to become more forgetful. Some families can find a formula such as having the children stay with the mother for one week and with the father for one week. This I think it will lead to a feeling of nomadism in the child. It may be more appropriate for the child to have one primary home and room and to come and go from the other home for short periods of time.
Imagine working in this room for a week and in another room far away for a week. Or moving to another room on a temporary basis on a certain day of each week. Which would make you feel easier and safer? Determining the place and homeland of a person, especially a child, is important in terms of preserving the sense of belonging, especially after the nuclear family is broken up (in this case, it can also be called a nuclear nuclear family).
Failure to resolve the symbiotic relationship and addiction: The mother is the first person to whom the baby attaches. The father is the representative of the outside world. One of its basic functions is to help the child get rid of his addiction to the mother by introducing him to the outside world and inviting him to the outside world. If the father leaves after the divorce, the dissolution of the symbiotic relationship and the transition from dependence to autonomy become difficult for the child remaining with the mother. Here, the characteristics of the mother and the way and frequency of the father's relationship with the child are important.
Competition: If the child is a girl, both dependency and competition problems with the mother can make the relationship even more conflictual. If the child is a boy, the pleasure and guilt of beating the father in competition are experienced together. Especially if the mother begins to share the same bed with her child, due to the feeling of emptiness she experiences after her husband's departure, then the inner world of the son gets even more confused. It is especially important to maintain boundaries between mother and child in cases of separation between the ages of 3-5.5, that is, when the boy falls in love with his mother and competes with his father.
Separation of siblings: From siblings. In cases where one person stays with the mother and the other with the father, feelings such as envy, jealousy, longing and anger may be experienced. In this case, the loss of children is even greater.
Suggestions for parents:
How should it be explained? When the divorce process becomes clear, parents should talk to the child together, if possible. If the separation is not final, it would be appropriate not to tell the child about the divorce, otherwise his anxiety will increase greatly. If it is certain, “Parents want to get married and decide and decide on their own.” They agree, but sometimes they may have disagreements. If these disagreements and fights occur too much, they may sometimes decide to live in separate houses. "We decided to live in separate houses with your mother/father from now on." This conversation can be arranged according to your age and understanding capacity. However, it should be emphasized that the child has no role in the divorce and that this is a decision between the parents, just like the decision to get married. If necessary, more clearly: "In this case, you are not at fault, there is nothing you can do to change, this is an issue between you and your mother/father." It can also be said. Brief information about what the child will experience in the future should also be given in a way that he can understand. Because the child may not know exactly what divorce is. He experiences anxiety about what will happen to him. “Your father is still your father, I am still your mother, this does not change. We both love you very much and it will always stay that way. But you will stay with me, your father will pick you up on .. days and you will stay at his house, etc..” After information about the future is given, details can be made according to the questions he will ask. Explaining everything at once and information that is not yet ready, especially information that will increase anxiety and fear, should be avoided (such as new relationships in the future). Lying to the child (such as the father going away to work) is also a mistake made considering the "well-being" of the child. Children sense that something is very wrong, or at least that you are unhappy or sad, even though we think they do not hear or feel it. If you don't provide an explanation in such a situation, they are more likely to think the worst. Moreover, they may attribute these perceived setbacks to themselves. Their anxiety increases. Imagine something bad is happening but you don't know what it is. Some days after the divorce, staying in the same house as before and pretending to be a family together will confuse the child. It creates hope that it can be returned. The child whose hope is not realized is disappointed once again each time. As in every mourning process, the child should be given the opportunity to express his feelings, and he should not be expected to act like nothing happened or recover quickly. It is natural for the child to be angry and/or sad. It is very important to have regular meetings with the father. It is important for everyone to have a certain day and time.
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