How much of me in love?...how much of my mother...how much of my father?
"The meaning attributed to the partner's behavior is an important part of the emotional communication of the couple. One's perception of the partner's goals and behaviors, one's perception of the partner and others. It is based on past learning. These lead to erroneous perceptions or incorrect attributions about the partner."
These lines from Greenberg and Johnson made me think about how much our behavior towards our lover is our own behavior.
When you say to your lover, "I hate it when you do this" Are you really saying this? Have you ever thought about it? Are you saying this, or is it your inner mother saying this? Is it your inner father?
Carl Gustav Jung talks about how an image of a man and a woman develops inside a child as he grows up. If she is a woman, about what kind of woman she will be, what she is looking for in a man. If she is a man, about what kind of man he is, what kind of woman he wants to be with. He calls this feminine image formed in the unconscious anima and the masculine image animus.
In other words, as we grow up, we unknowingly learn from our parents what kind of woman or what kind of man we will be. What we expect from a woman or a man.
But sometimes the mother doesn't like the father or the father doesn't like the mother, and that's when the "never be like your father" starts. At that moment, "here's her mother's girl!" The sayings begin. At that very moment, the child is left in the middle. The child, who is attached to both the mother and the mother with blind love, is torn in two and confused about what to do. According to the systemic phenomenological approach, Meral Önal Yardımcı explains what the child experiences in such a situation: "Children can keep the family together by being externally loyal to one parent and internally loyal to the other, but the system cannot achieve the balance that its members will experience as natural and effortless love. Therefore, one parent can never gain a real victory over the other. For example, if the Mother said, "Don't be addicted to alcohol like your father," the son would be forced to do just that to honor his bond with his father, and would not be able to protect himself from this systemic pressure. For systemic healing to be successful, here, the Mother would be forced to "become addicted to alcohol like your father." "I allow you to be like" should say. Then the child will be free."
The one who mentions here and " "Never be like him!", it is the collective conscience, in Bert Hellinger's terms, that makes the child exactly the same as that parent. Even if we hate someone in the family, the collective conscience, which is on duty to keep the family together, comes into play and connects the family members to each other by realizing unconscious identification. That's why, when you say "I will never marry a man like my father", you find yourself falling in love with a man who is exactly like your father. That's why, when you say "I will never be like my mother", when you get married or move to your own house, you find yourself at home with a woman who is exactly like your mother.
I'm reading these lines and thinking now: "How free are we?".
I'm reading these lines and thinking "In a relationship. "How much of ourselves can we be in life?"?
I didn't know. How much of you are your mother? . how much of your father are you? How much of yourself are you?
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