Good Morning, Hello, Greetings, Good Work... We start communicating with a few magic words. Interaction arises from the emotions we attribute to these words.
So, being able to say a good hello... How important it is! We have a strong desire to say HELLO in an environment we attend for the first time, don't we? We want people to view us well.
So how well did you say hello in your marriage? Or is it a marriage built on problems? If you place a brick at the bottom of a building crookedly, does the brick on top of it have a chance to move smoothly?
The biggest mistake we make at the beginning of marriages is to act as if there is no problem and try to continue communication from where we left off. In fact, sweeping it under the carpet... Then the carpet gets fluffier and fluffier and the problems become incompatible. The breaking point always appears as a completely different problem. However, we always experience the real problem in communication. For example, our expectations that we don't tell our spouses... But we don't actually give up waiting. Unmet expectations always demotivate and upset.
Before starting a marriage, both parties should definitely discuss their expectations with each other. Sometimes in my sessions, I ask my clients, what are your expectations from your spouse? He says, lady; love, respect and care... Unfortunately, our expectations are not that short and clear. These concepts are so broad... When it comes to interest, everyone's perception is different. For some, the interest is a solitaire ring, for some, a car, for some, a bouquet of flowers, for some, a kiss, for some, a look or a smile... If we do not convey this to the other person, we will be upset every time this expectation is not met.
Special for my couple who consult in couple therapy. I asked how you spend your days. The gentleman said, "We don't like celebrating special occasions." The lady's eyes filled with tears. In fact, he always wanted his wife to come and buy a single rose... But unfortunately, his wife is unaware of such an expectation. Everything should be discussed, everything...
Material, sexuality, responsibility, love... Expectations on each issue should be discussed separately. Expectations with clearly drawn boundaries. We don't create a feeling of 'I can't do it' on one side and a feeling of 'it's not what I want' on the other side. Talk about everything with your spouse For this reason, you must first confess to yourself clearly and openly what you want, what you do not want, and your expectations. You should be alone with your soul, confront yourself and even make peace, and then prepare to communicate with your partner and make the right sentences.
Make a list, for example, of all your mutual, positive and negative expectations. Then review this list once again and determine your priority. Review one by one your red lines, your must-haves, what you can and cannot do. Now look at this list through your spouse's eyes... How much do you think he can respond to these requests? If you want to refresh the list once again, I respect that. Believe me, many of my clients have reviewed their lists just like you did. The silver lining about this is that you can take steps towards repairing your marriage. You can soften your lines. Then don't worry, everything is fine. Now all you have to do is communicate correctly.
Although it may seem very difficult, establishing correct communication is much easier than you think. The first thing you need to do is to use I language, not you language, when explaining your request to your spouse. In other words, instead of accusatory sentences such as 'You are a selfish person', 'You are always like this,' we can communicate correctly with self-directed sentences that reveal our emotions, such as 'I feel bad when you do this.' In this way, we have the opportunity to convey how we feel to the other party more easily. Establishing correct and warm sentences that will express us clearly to each other, without being accusatory, will make your life even more beautiful.
So, in the light of all these expressions, gather your courage and make peace with yourself before you can say a warm hello... Farewell with love...
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