In this section, I would like to take a closer look at the reasons for the problems experienced between couples and talk about the problems we encounter in treatment. Increases in the divorce rate are seen all over the world, and Turkey is among these countries. According to the research of the Turkish Statistical Institute in 2013, the first three provinces with the highest divorce rate are; It has been determined as Antalya, Izmir and Muğla.
What are the reasons for the increase in divorce and how to deal with them?
High expectations play a big role in relationships not working out and leading to divorce. play. It is useful to review whether our expectations are realistic. Most people dream about their spouse, their life after marriage, and many other things before they get married, and they can take steps with some accepted thoughts in their minds. As a result, when they get married, the slightest detail that goes beyond these expectations becomes increasingly disturbing to them, and eventually they say, "This is not the person I married!" or “I never dreamed of such a marriage.”
One of the biggest reasons for this is the lack of tolerance of the parties in the relationship towards change and the shortcomings of the other party. The most important fundamental principle of Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy developed by Jacobsen and Christensen is based on acceptance and tolerance.
The idea that relationships should not require much effort, especially in young couples, can cause problems. On the contrary, relationships require a lot of effort. It is easy to fall in love and like, but getting married, sharing life, and maintaining a relationship are completely different.
We all have perceptual biases. We have cognitive schemas about how we evaluate the events, people, and relationships around us. In addition, there are family schemas. Schemas are somewhat similar to expectations, but they develop more unconsciously and are applied to events by our mind. What we call family schemas are based on our own family relationships and experiences. These schemas then become active in our future relationships. If we have a problematic family history; For example, you had a childhood spent in an environment of conflict and violence. If so, it is possible that you will have this type of interaction in your own relationship. The way you deal with events and communicate with the other is only possible with fight, noise and violence because you may have developed such a learning about the way you communicate with the other and you may not be able to find other ways to express yourself. If there are incompatible schemas, these should be worked on.
I observe that one of the most important problems of incoming couples is their broken communication with each other. In cases where a person cannot express himself correctly and healthily; They are limited in their understanding of the other side and can often be dragged into a dead end. What we do in therapy is to give examples of how to communicate correctly with couples. It is teaching to communicate constructively, not destructively.
Another problem we often encounter is the fact that one of the spouses wants more closeness. Here it is necessary to show tolerance and understanding towards personal differences. One person's affective style may be different from another's. While one may be calmer, the other may be more passionate. Couples have to keep their expectations realistic by taking these differences into consideration.
It is possible to talk about the cost-benefit ratio in relationships. We make the relationship work when the cost is low and the benefit is very high. When the cost of this benefit exceeds the benefit itself, an imbalance begins and trouble occurs. In essence, one of the important things that relationships are based on is meeting needs. If our needs are met, we are satisfied. We can intervene in these problems by finding out which behaviors will increase satisfaction between couples.
If we increase positive behaviors, there will be no need to reduce negative behaviors. If we only focus on positive behaviors, we don't need to focus on negative behaviors anyway. Focusing on positive things brings positive things in return.
One of the important elements in couple therapies is whether one of the couples has a personality problem or personality disorder. One of the second important elements is the person's attachment style. There is no doubt that these both play a role in the couple's relationship, and It is a situation that needs to be examined in detail. The rest of the article about this is in the next section...
Key words: divorce, solution-oriented thinking, cognitive therapy, treatment, therapy, positive thinking, awareness, psychology, soul, body , mind, unhappiness, depression, anxiety, symptom, personality, character, marriage, infidelity
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