Discipline can be defined as all the measures taken to ensure that individuals comply with the general thoughts and behaviors of the community in which they live.
If we consider discipline for our family and home environment; Discipline is a system of precautions, that is, a behavioral order, that includes the dos and don'ts, in accordance with the values, thoughts and behaviors of that home and family.
The concept of discipline may have different meanings from time to time, and wrong attitudes during its implementation can also lead to negative consequences. We can examine the discipline in two parts according to the style of application. Externally controlled discipline and internally controlled discipline (self-control).
EXTERNALLY CONTROLLED DISCIPLINE?
Getting angry, shouting, scolding, threatening, cursing, verbally belittling in order to control our child's behavior and get him to do what we want. and methods such as withholding love. It is a restrictive-punishing type of discipline. While efforts are made to control children, efforts are made to influence them in the discipline that teaches and educates. It is necessary to pay attention to the difference between influencing and controlling children.
INTERNAL CONTROL DISCIPLINE?
In other words, self-control is the person's adoption of some rules and his/her own compliance with or application of these rules without the need for external warnings. In fact, this is the result we want to achieve in our children. In this way, parents are relieved of the role of constant warning and control, and friction and problems that may arise due to this are prevented. Research has shown that in self-disciplined people, the locus of control is inside the person, while in discipline imposed by others, the locus of control is outside the person. In self-control education, the first basic approach is to explain to our children what they should and should not do and guide them. If our children who start to move around the house have not received explanations, information or training about what to do and how to act, that is, the rules of the house, they will naturally make mistakes and will be warned or punished for this reason. Our children will learn what they should and shouldn't do through trial and error, but they will not always be able to learn why. There is no need to use pure authority and force to maintain discipline at home. Being knowledgeable about this issue, acting consciously, acting consistently Rather than confronting our children by being patient and tolerant, it is enough to be on their side and support them. With this kind of approach, self-control is achieved in a healthier and permanent way.
HOW CAN INTERNAL CONTROL DISCIPLINE BE ACHIEVED?
1. RULES AND EXPECTATIONS IN THE HOME ARE NOT SOLID AND UNCHANGABLE.
Rules are applied considering the child's age, personality structure and special situations. Personality structure: Some rules and expectations may become a problem due to the child's personality. For example, some children have a more excitable nature and cannot eat breakfast on the way to school in the morning. Forced milk to the child in the name of the rule. Feeding foods such as eggs causes the child to go to school with a heavy stomach, and also cause conflict with the mother.
Age: For example, a 3-year-old child cannot be expected to eat properly without spilling anything on himself
. For this reason, getting angry at the child and scolding him is useless and even harmful. On the other hand, it is a realistic approach that a 7-year-old child should be expected to eat clean and proper food.
Special situation: Everyone's needs vary depending on the physiological situation of that day. If we are sick or upset about something that day, we may have a different attitude than usual. The same applies to your children. In such cases, it is necessary to be more tolerant.
2. WE MUST EXPLAIN THE REASONS OF THE RULES TO OUR CHILDREN.
It is easier to get children to do certain behaviors until the age of 3 without much explanation by saying "this is how it is done" or "this is not how it is done". However, starting from the age of 3-4, they want to know the reason for everything.
For example, if we say that all children love to drink cola, but we talk about the harm of cola to the stomach and liver, and that they can drink it on certain days, Sundays and at friends' parties. Children are not against the rule enforcer, but can side with him and adopt the rule more easily.
3. WE MUST EXPLAIN EXPECTED BEHAVIOURS TO OUR CHILDREN.
Be concrete and clear instead of doing this or that. It should be clearly explained and taught in appropriate language which behavior is expected and when. For example, “Burak, before you go to bed, you put on your pajamas and brush your teeth. “And I will come to say good night to you.” A behavioral description like this tells us what kind of behavior we expect from Burak at bedtime. Instead of catching children doing something wrong (why haven't you gone to bed yet?) it is more effective and safe to give the child a chance to behave well. In addition, the child who receives explanations feels valuable and cooperates more easily with the elder in the family.
4. WE SHOULD GIVE OUR CHILDREN AN ACTIVE ROLE AND RESPONSIBILITY IN THE APPLICATION OF THE RULES.
For example, it had become a problem for Ali to get up in the morning. He can't get out of bed. He wouldn't get up without his mother calling him several times. Finally, they think of a solution to this problem together and Ali asks for an alarm clock, just like a friend who wakes up with an alarm clock. When the alarm clock rings, Ali will get up and the mother will be saved from saying "Come on, Ali." Indeed, with the alarm clock system, Ali started to get up more easily and the mother was relieved of the role of external stimulus.
5. WE SHOULD REINFORCE OUR CHILDREN'S EXPECTED BEHAVIOURS (OR THOSE CLOSE TO THEM) BY APPROVALING THEIR EFFORTS.
WHAT ARE THE THINGS THAT SHOULD NOT BE FORGOT ABOUT DISCIPLINE?
- We must take the age of the child into consideration in our expectations from our children. We should not ask them to do things they cannot do.
- We should teach them how to do the behavior we want. We should use a definite and determined tone of voice when expressing our wishes.
- We should not promise anything that we cannot fulfill.
- We should not lie to our child no matter what.
- Money, toys, clothes, Instead of material rewards such as goods, we should use spiritual rewards such as sitting and chatting with him/her, sharing something (playing games, going to the park...). Otherwise, the child will always be looking for a financial reward.
- We must be consistent in the methods we apply.
- In order for these methods to be effective, they must be applied consistently for a while. These methods are not a magic bullet. It will take a while to be effective.
“The real power of families is in their ability to empower their children… Not in their ability to control them.”
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