The doyens of marriage and divorce research, dr. John and Julie Gottman have worked with more than 3,000 couples to determine what ends male and female relationships. Gottman Observes couples who come to him as clients; applies a unique methodology throughout therapy and predicts that couples will continue their marriage or divorce within the first five years. This estimate turns out to be correct at a rate of 94.7%. But what justifies Gottman? In the dialogues of Gottman couples; see if they use the four horsemen of the apocalypse. The four horsemen of the apocalypse; criticism, defense, wall building and humiliation. If couples use these in their relationships with their spouses, it means they are nearing the end.
1-) DAMAGE
Humiliation is one of the most negative behaviors that should not be in relationships. It is the situation in which one of the spouses considers himself superior to the other and belittles the other. In such a relationship, conflict will be inevitable. Since insulting expressions contain messages of disgust, it will be impossible to solve the problems and will lead to the end of the relationship. For example; "You're so incompetent" "I told you so." "What you're doing is pure idiocy." etc. Personal accusations contain humiliation. What should be in a happy relationship is appreciation and respect instead of humiliation.
2-) CRITICISM
Criticism is negative statements about character and personality. Complaints between couples are inevitable; however, complaint and criticism are concepts that are often confused with each other. For example; The expression “I'm tired of you talking about yourself all the time, how selfish you are” is criticism while "I feel unimportant when you talk about yourself all the time and don't ask how I am, can you please be more careful about this?" is a complaint. What should be in a happy relationship is the expression "you". It is to use the language of "I" instead of criticizing and to express emotions.
3-) BEING IN CONTINUOUS DEFENSE
Another behavior that causes the relationship to end is to use it.
3-) Couples are constantly defending themselves without trying to take sides.
The most distinctive feature in defense is not hearing what the other party is saying. The soldier enters the defensive position;
However, the conflict continues to escalate, as the defense is a kind of blaming the other party and contains the message "it's not me, it's you". A vicious circle occurs. For example, "it's your fault.", "it's your fault." You're the one, "you're doing it more." expressions include defense and guilt. In a happy relationship like this, it's not just trying to defend yourself, but accepting a part of the problem in the conflict and taking responsibility.
4 - ) WALLING It is a physical and mental interruption of communication and not speaking. This behavior is dangerous because it gives the message of "you are worthless" to the other party. p>
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