If you are making at least one of the mistakes I will talk about in this article, you are probably not able to have healthy relationships. The basic communication mistakes that cause spouses to become increasingly disconnected and to lose love and respect for each other are as follows;
First, I will talk about the harsh criticism and humiliation that often occur in unhealthy marriages. A type of criticism in which one of the spouses constantly criticizes the other party and makes them feel bad. It makes the person being criticized think that it was initially about his own behavior. However, over time, he continues to observe that every move and behavior he makes is seen as belittled and unappreciated, and that he is in a meaningless argument. The intolerance and perfectionism of the criticizer causes the other person to become tired, lose self-confidence and ultimately feel worthless. In such a marriage, it is unlikely that communication will be long-term unless it is necessary.
The second is mind reading; thinking that you know the thoughts in a person's mind without any evidence. Our mind's interpretation of an event reveals our 'individual reality'. The event that someone else sees or witnesses and knows about reveals the 'real event'. In the mind reading method, couples consider their individual thoughts and perceptions to be real. Mind reading is a thought error and occurs frequently in bilateral relationships.
“I know my partner's intentions. My wife says she loves me, but she doesn't actually value me. I know what he is thinking, even if he does not admit it.”
Mind readings are usually biased comments. It is often based on individual beliefs. These interpretations are often erroneous. Although the spouse who is exposed to this interpretation tries to explain at first, after a while he/she expresses that he/she cannot cope with the intention readings. It causes communication to break down over time.
“My wife doesn't like the food I cook, even though she doesn't say it, I know she regrets marrying me.”
A 6-month-old married client of mine who came to therapy is above. He was crying while saying the sentence. Because she was sure that her husband regretted marrying her. However, there may be a period of adaptation at the beginning of marriage. Healthy marriage enjoys everything equally Taking f does not mean making the same comment or having the same point of view. One of the most important features of healthy marriages is open communication. Respecting differences and turning to open communication will make communication healthier and safer.
The third reason that ends communication is that the expectation of compromise at the end of communication is not met. Spouses expect reconciliation at the end of their communication. Failure to reach a compromise causes unhappiness, disappointment and arguments to grow in the spouses. I often hear this during therapy;
“I don't want to talk to him anymore because we can't get along at all”
“We can never look at things from the same perspective” etc..
Couples try to think differently. As people see different interpretations as a problem, their arguments increase. “What is the main purpose of communication?” I ask in the sessions. While searching for the answer to this question, we agree that 'Communication is done for the purpose of talking, understanding, learning and sharing'. Recognizing the spouse's need for agreement is more important than compromise. When good communication skills are acquired, spouses have the chance to truly understand each other by focusing on the communication process itself, not on the final compromise.
And finally, the fourth item is one of the spouses building a wall. Two roles are generally observed in the relationship. One of the spouses generally prefers to speak to solve the problem, while the other generally prefers to remain silent. Susan, the person who waits for the problem to pass unknowingly sends the following message to the other party: "I am not interested in you or these problems." The other party prefers to talk because they think communication should continue. From what I observed in the therapy room, the person who tries to continue the communication definitely gets tired and no longer wants to be the one making the effort. Why do spouses build walls and cut off communication? He may build a wall because he thinks it won't work anyway, we will argue again, we won't be able to agree on anything. Or he keeps silent because he doesn't trust his communication skills and doesn't know how to put things together. As a result, if someone in the relationship behaves in a way that hinders communication, it means that the relationship has entered an unhealthy communication path.
If your conversations with your partner have become less and less, at the end of each conversation, you will stop talking to each other. If you are having arguments that hurt me, I suggest you take a look. Just examine yourself and your behavior without blaming each other. What wrong behavior do you practice?
Read: 0
