- “EXCLUDE FATHER” SYNDROME
Especially the birth of the first baby is one of the most important turning points for families. While they only assumed the role of spouse until pregnancy, they begin to assume the role of parent as well. It is already normal for women to take on the role of motherhood and establish a bond with the living creature growing inside their body from the first days. This is a period when most women's attention is more directed towards themselves and their own body, they start to dream about the baby growing inside them, and in a sense, they emotionally distance themselves from everything around them and from their partner. However, on the other hand, women are more dependent on the support of the people around them. While she directs her attention entirely to the living being within herself and therefore to herself, she expects the people around her, especially her husband, to do the same. Her husband is the person from whom she expects the most attention and support. It is natural for women to focus attention and attention on themselves. However, since similar biological changes do not occur in men, it is not easy for a man to understand what kind of mood his wife is in. On the contrary, the man sees a woman who moves away from him emotionally and begins to live in another world....
While everyone around is interested in the expectant mother, little attention is paid to what the father feels and experiences. However, this process is also a very difficult period for men. Especially men who will be fathers for the first time need to undergo a change in their own identities and roles. The father also feels the need to make preparations to take on the responsibilities of the child to be born. Dreams and expectations about becoming a father revive in his mind his relationship with his own father and his roles as mother and father in his own family. He compares himself with the father he idealized in childhood and worries about whether he can fill this role. For many fathers-to-be, upcoming fatherhood is an exciting and moving experience. However, it is also natural to experience concerns about the responsibility of being a parent. While she has doubts about whether she can succeed in this job, she is also frightened by the responsibilities that the baby will bring. He may have concerns about whether he will be able to meet the increasing economic needs of the family.
Fathers. They also experience very complex emotions about the change their spouse has gone through. While the physical changes that occur in his partner and the baby growing inside him excite the father, sometimes, on the contrary, he feels uneasy to see his partner's body in such a change. He feels like he has lost his sexual partner. He begins to experience shyness and anxiety about sexual intercourse.
The fact that his wife directs all her attention and energy to pregnancy often creates a feeling of abandonment in men. While the woman, who thinks that the man shares the same feelings as her, expects support and attention from her husband, the man begins to feel excluded and alienated. Many women complain that their husbands do not pay enough attention to them during pregnancy. He feels disappointment and loneliness, experiences resentment, and becomes even more emotionally distant from his partner. This drives him to behave even more inconsistently. On the one hand, he needs his wife's attention and support, but on the other hand, he gets angry and upset with his wife because he does not receive the support he expects. The man, on the other hand, is overwhelmed by his wife's irritability, emotional ups and downs, and inconsistent desires. When both parties expect understanding and attention from each other but cannot express this appropriately, it is inevitable for communication to break down.
Here, it is necessary to take into account the differences in problem-solving styles between men and women. Most men prefer not to talk and withdraw when they encounter a problem, are worried or upset. When the idea of being in trouble is often synonymous with weakness for men, they do not want these feelings to be noticed from the outside. It is not acceptable for men to look and feel weak, especially at a time when they believe they should be strong. Women, on the other hand, are more comfortable voicing and sharing problems. When the man closes himself in response to their expectation of mutual sharing, they react with disappointment and resentment.
If the partners are caught in this vicious circle during the pregnancy, the situation cannot be expected to be different after birth. The close bond established between the mother and the baby and the fact that mothers undertake the caregiving function mean that fathers have no need other than care for the child. This creates the impression that he has no responsibility other than earning a living. Many fathers are confused about their parenting role. They feel inadequate as parents and realize that they are more comfortable as long as they stay away from this role. If they are not ready for such emotional turmoil, to take responsibility, and to struggle in an area where they feel inadequate, the easiest way is to stay away. The cycle is completed when the partner pushes her away in resentment caused by disappointments. The father feels excluded and breaks off. In this process, neither the husband nor the wife is actually at fault. Both parties seem to have fallen into a trap opened up for them by the complexity of human relations. Even though they know that their mutual emotional reactions wear out their relationship, they cannot prevent it.
It is observed that husbands and wives who cannot meet their emotional needs in the relationship between spouses turn to other areas that will satisfy these needs during this period. While the mother tends to have an overly close, dependent relationship with the child, the father begins to seek satisfaction in his work or outside relationships. In particular, the mother's attitude of excluding the father in parenting decisions causes the father to feel excluded once again. Studies show that the most common period of infidelity is the year after the birth of the first child. The process described above, which starts during pregnancy and gradually causes the spouses to drift away from each other, certainly plays a very important role in this. It is a great misfortune for the baby to be so distant at a time when they need it so much. Because, in addition to their role in helping to provide care, research shows that fathers play an important role in the spiritual development of babies, and especially the father's games based on more mutual physical activity play an important role in the baby's acquisition of emotional control skills. More importantly, the poor quality of the marital relationship harms the mother-baby relationship, the anxiety and emotional ups and downs experienced by the mother are directly reflected in the mental state of the baby and affect the attachment relationship.
It should not be forgotten that, like all developmental periods in the family, the first The birth of a child is a period that will increase stress, necessitate some changes, and bring difficulties for both spouses. The birth of a child does not mean that a man and a woman come together only physically. It also means the merging of personal life stories and family stories. The being born will be a new personality that is separate from the parents but also carries their stories.
This process, which begins with pregnancy, will strengthen the marriage bond on the one hand, and on the other hand, it will place great stress on the relationship. If mothers and fathers are aware of the difficulties that await them, can mutually express their positive and negative emotions, and realistically plan how to solve the problems that will arise, the family will emerge from this difficult test by developing and maturing. Mutual positive emotions experienced in a well-functioning marriage are reflected in the relationship between parents and their children. Children also develop by feeling more closeness, warmth and trust in their relationships with their parents.
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