Divorce: Separation of Mother and Father

STEP 1: PREPARATION

How the separation decision will be told to the child and what sentences will be used will be discussed with the parents in equal time. Agree together in advance that we need to talk This news should be given together by the parents.

It is explained to the child that the parents' love for each other has ended and that they have different wishes and preferences regarding life.

The important thing is; The child understands that he is not responsible for this separation. The main concern for the child will be how the child's life will be shaped from now on and the relationship of the parents with the child.

Informing children about divorce should vary depending on their age.

Children who are 7 years old and above will have this conversation. While children under the age of 7 are ready to understand and grasp logic; Even if they are not aware of the situation, it is necessary to explain the separation decision in simple words, explain that they will no longer live in the same house with the other parent, and convince them of this new situation. The father must be equally involved in the explanation.

This decision must be made by the parents together and then explained to the child. Sentences with emotional ups and downs spoken without any certainty, such as "We are going to divorce your mother/father, we are getting divorced", should not be made in front of the child without a final decision.

STEP 2: COMMUNICATION; Explaining the Separation Decision to Children

How to make the disclosure is an important step. Generally, parents should be reminded to never forget that 50% of the children's contribution is from the ex-spouse. This sentence allows them to see the truth more clearly and clearly. It is important for the spouse who humiliates his spouse and tries to humiliate him in front of his child to remember this. Because what the child sees as his own reality and identity is the knowledge that 'one half consists of my father and the other half consists of my mother.'

Divorce is a trauma for children. For this reason, it is important to establish a system to protect the child's mental health both during, during and after the decision to divorce, which is also very important for the child's development.

When making this statement, parents should definitely avoid using expressions that accuse or humiliate each other. . Because it doesn't matter who is more guilty or It doesn't matter who does what, this information is meaningless to the child. One does not have to know why the breakup occurred and where the decision came from.

Ending a relationship is a decision a couple makes that concerns only the couple. This reality is valid for both infants, children and adolescents. Objectivity is essential when explaining the separation. This impartiality implies that both parents made a statement and no one was found guilty.

Accusing or belittling the other spouse in front of the child harms the relationship between the child and the mother/father and leads to alienation from the belittled and maligned parent. This is very negative and dangerous behavior. No matter what, the other spouse should not be labeled as at fault and guilty, and the child should not be alienated from that parent. Because this situation also affects the self-esteem and self-confidence of the child, who sees himself as an extension of his parents in the long run.

What concerns the child is not why his parents divorced or separated, but how he will be affected by this situation in the future.

What concerns the child is not why his parents divorced or separated. p>

If the parent is undecided about who should explain the divorce decision to the child, support can be obtained from an expert such as a psychologist.

STEP 3: TRANSFER; A calm and controlled narration.

When spouses make a separation statement together, they should convey their emotions in a controlled manner, as much as possible, without causing too much agitation. Because; While trying to console the agitating parent who is exaggerating the situation, the child may distance himself from his own emotions, or this may cause him to blame the other party.

When making a statement: there should be no accusations. It should be stated in the conversation that it is not related to the child and that they will continue to be his/her mother and father.

It should be stated which parent the child will stay with, and the information that he/she will stay with the other parent on certain days and that he/she will have his/her own room there should be shared.

STEP 4: TIME

When making a divorce statement, the parent should pay close attention to the time period of the child. If an important process for the child's life is experienced during this time period; caregiver, school change, general/term exams, sports/art competitions, etc. there are events If this is the case, this critical statement should be postponed for a while. It is important for the child not to be exposed to repeated traumatic experiences.

STEP 5: VENUE

When choosing the place where the divorce will be explained to the child. Two options should be considered.

The first of these will be a room in the child's own home where he/she feels safe and familiar. The other one should be a place that the child has never been to before in his life, or a place that he does not go to often, and will not go to again.

STEP 6: Declaring that the child is not GUILTY

Since children and adolescents are self-centered, they think that their parents' decision to divorce is because of them. It should be clearly explained to the child that this information is wrong and that it is not about you.

Recognizing the Child's Emotions:

Of course, the child will experience sadness, anger and anxiety. These emotional reactions will disappear after a good adaptation period. Talk about these feelings with your child. Ask him what would be helpful in the new order and accommodate his request as much as possible. If you still see that the child cannot cope with this situation after a few months, you may need to get support from a specialist.

In these difficult times, remember that our child loves you both equally and that being a spouse, husband or wife is over and being a "good parent" continues. It is important and necessary not to forget and to approach the child with this awareness. The child should be allowed to share his feelings and experience his grief.

Reactions to Divorce by Age:

0-1 AGE: Emotions; Fear,Restlessness

Expressed reaction; -Irritability, restlessness, -Crying, eating and sleeping disorders

1-3 YEARS OF AGE: Sorrowful, sad, apathetic

Comforting oneself