I felt very uncomfortable when someone tried to establish a boundary with me. Boundaries made me feel rejected, anxious, and most importantly, unloved. Therefore, not only did I not accept other people's boundaries, I was unable to set clear boundaries with anyone, including myself. Why was I like this? Through repeated childhood experiences, I had internalized many false beliefs about boundaries.
Setting a boundary is the equivalent of standing up for yourself. When you set a boundary with someone, you're basically saying: I put my well-being before yours. First of all, I choose myself. Sounds bad right? Yes. And that's the point: Most people are taught that putting their needs first is just plain bad.
This is especially true if you grew up with narcissistic, emotionally absent, or avoidant parents. That is;. When we grow up in environments that force us to deny and repress our needs, desires, or beliefs, we begin to believe that putting ourselves first is wrong, bad, arrogant, spoiled, or selfish.
In most cultures, putting yourself first is morally corrupt, selfish. or seen as narcissistic. However,. There is a big difference between putting yourself first and thinking that you are better or more important than other people. They are not the same thing.
Putting ourselves first should stem from self-love and self-worth, not narcissism.
Because narcissists view others as objects and typically lack empathy and self-worth, whereas non-narcissistic individuals value other people and can put themselves in others' shoes.
So let's be clear: We need open boundaries. Having one doesn't mean you can't be kind or generous. On the contrary: it just means that you will put your own well-being first and will not accept anything that goes against your values and morals. This is how you build self-confidence. You have to earn it. You must learn to trust yourself, just as you will have to trust a parent or a spouse. Many of us abandon and betray ourselves because of our constant need for approval from others. This is low caused by low self-worth and self-esteem: inability to trust ourselves.
The goal here is to become so confident in yourself that you will develop a secure attachment to yourself.
“When we have a secure attachment to ourselves, we become aware of the many boundaries we carry. There are many types of boundaries, and everyone has a different relationship with each one. We may have strong boundaries in some areas, but not in others: we may have strong boundaries with our physical space, but weak boundaries with our emotional space. Here are the main categories of boundaries that each person has:
-Physical / Sexual
-Emotional
-Time / Energy
-Need
-Mental
!! Now try to rate on a scale of 1-10 (1 = non-existent boundary and 10 = clearest, strongest possible boundary).
What are your scores for each boundary?
This will help you determine what boundaries you need to work on.
So why do we allow people to disrespect our boundaries? We give?
- We don't know or understand the concept of boundaries.
- We were taught that our boundaries are not important.
- Our parents modeled weak boundaries.
- Our parents modeled exceeding others' boundaries.
- We were taught that boundaries were selfish.
- We were made to feel cruel, selfish, shameful, or guilty when we set boundaries
"You are so ungrateful!" or
“I am your father, you must obey me” or
“If you do this, you must not love me”.
These are typical phrases that parents will use when setting boundaries with their children.
Many parents have difficulty distinguishing between obedience and boundaries. We teach children that they must respect all our parental boundaries, but they do not have any rights. We call children with boundaries spoiled or difficult. There is a big difference between disobedience and an attempt to set a boundary. Teaching our children to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others is also important as a caregiver. It is our role as This is learned and modeled through our constant interactions with them. For example, if we force our children to sit on people's laps, kiss, and hug people even if they don't want to: We are teaching them that they must accept physical contact regardless of what they feel/want.
When you start setting boundaries, you need to be prepared for severe backlash. If you have fairly weak boundaries in some areas, chances are you are surrounded by people who take advantage of your lack of boundaries. Therefore, when you start setting boundaries, many people become angry, disappointed, upset, make you feel guilty, and blame you. Inevitably, you will have people who will want you to return to your old ways because your lack of boundaries served them well.
Therefore, this will be a good test to evaluate how much people really want your well-being and how much they need it to protect their own well-being.
People who truly love and respect you will eventually break your new boundaries. They will accept it. And those who do not accept your new boundaries will show you their true colors throughout this process.
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