John Gottman (1999) identified four basic dysfunctional behavior patterns that can lead to the end of relationships. These are called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Contempt: Seeing one partner superior to the other and humiliating the other partner, “You're so incompetent” “I told you so.” "What you're doing is utter stupidity." etc. the use of insulting terms. Instead of humiliation, what should be in relationships is appreciation and respect. Respecting your partner's actions and personality, appreciating him for his achievements and behaviors will strengthen the relationship.
Criticism: These are negative statements about character and personality. Complaint and criticism are not the same. “I'm sick of you talking about yourself all the time, how selfish you are.” while his expression is criticism; “I feel unimportant when you talk about yourself all the time, can you please be more careful about it?” is a complaint. What should be done is to use the language of "I" and express feelings and thoughts instead of criticizing with the phrase "you".
Don't be in a constant state of defense: Without trying to understand the other party, without hearing what the other party is saying It's constant self-defense. The criticized party naturally takes a defensive position; The conflict continues to increase as it contains the message “the problem is not with me, it is with you”. “This is your fault.”, “You are responsible for this.” “Actually, you do this more.” Expressions such as include defense and guilt at the same time. What needs to be done is not just to try to defend oneself, but to accept the part of the problem that is related to oneself, to take responsibility, and to have conversations that include feelings and thoughts.
Walling: It is when one of the couples cuts off physical and mental communication, does not speak, gets offended or remains silent during the discussion. This type of behavior is dangerous for relationships as it gives the message "you are worthless" to the other party. What needs to be done is to create a space to calm down and talk about the problem after calming down.
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