- COMMUNICATION WITH THE ADOLESCENT
Many parents complain that their children, who have entered adolescence, share less with them and tell them little. Indeed, adolescents may not want to share many things with their parents during this period when they are trying to get out of childhood. They begin to think that they can solve their problems themselves and that asking their parents for help is a childish attitude. Adolescents tend to share more with their peers during this period. When they tell their feelings or problems to their parents, they may think that they will not be understood by them. They need to keep some distance. They do not like to be treated like children, they are trying to prove themselves.
Some adolescents think that parents' questions are asked to control them, and therefore they may not want to answer. Being controlled may mean to the adolescent that he is not trusted. According to him, such questions are asked for control purposes, not for conversational purposes. Adolescents also have a point in this regard. Because usually, when parents start talking to the teenager, the conversation turns into giving advice after a while, and the parents talk themselves and expect the teenager to listen and do what they say. Especially when the topic of studying comes up, the conversation turns into a lecture about “success in life”. Adolescents learn this after a while and begin to feel distressed by the repetition of the same subject. In this case, the adolescent withdraws with the thought that there is no point in talking, saying that his parents are only interested in his school success and that they are not interested in any other issue related to him.
While adolescents want to make their own choices, they also maintain their ties with their parents. They need to get their approval and gain their appreciation for the choices they make. When their parents criticize or dislike the choices they make or the ideas they put forward, they feel misunderstood and may sometimes criticize their parents for being outdated. Most adults do not remember their childhood, but they do remember their adolescence and rong>They make speeches that start with "When I was your age"and compare their own adolescence with that of their children. For the adolescent, such conversations do not have much meaning because, according to him, times have changed. What is important for the adolescent is the present and adapting to the needs of this time. The past and the future concern him less. This causes the adolescent's interests to differ from the issues that parents are interested in. On the one hand, the adolescent's need to be liked, accepted and approved is not met by the parents, and on the other hand, the adolescent does not want to listen to the advice that the parents give to the adolescent based on their own experiences.
The way to communicate with the adolescent is to give less advice, listen more and try to understand. Feedback should be given honestly but in an egalitarian manner and not in a mocking or belittling manner. Of course, you cannot be expected to like and approve everything your child does, but you do not have the right to insult his or her likes while expressing your own likes, you should not forget this. If we accept that adolescents may have their own likes and ideas, respect them, and express our own opinions honestly, it will be possible to maintain mutual communication. The point to be careful about is not to act with the misconception that our own ideas or tastes are superior to the adolescent's. For example, instead of telling our daughter who is dressed in black, "You look like a medieval witch," you can say, "I think dressing in such dark colors makes you look pale, but the final decision is still yours." This type of communication will be an example of an honest, respectful and egalitarian communication style, your child will think that you see him as a mature person and will behave accordingly. Another mistake that parents make is that when talking to the teenager, they focus only on his problems. They think it is necessary to talk. They only pay attention to the adolescent's problems, lessons and future plans. However, as adolescents develop their abstract thinking skills, they begin to become more interested in the world they live in and begin to think and question. They are interested in art, literature, politics and philosophy. critical thinking skills improve. They gain the ability to put themselves in others' shoes. In short, they become able to think, discuss, criticize, take an interest in other people's problems, and produce solutions like adults. For this reason, the conversations focus only on the adolescent; Perceiving him/her as a person to be cared for and helped; It makes the adolescent feel childish and is disturbing. The adolescent should no longer be a person to be helped or whose problems can be solved; He should be able to perceive himself as a person who cares about others, produces solutions, thinks and solves problems, so that he can understand that he is growing up! For this, it is necessary to ask the adolescent's opinion, ask for help and sometimes consult. With this approach, the adolescent gradually ceases to see himself as the center of the world, gets rid of the selfishness that adults always complain about, and takes steps towards perceiving himself as a part of the adult world and a responsible person.
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