When I start to feel bad, the next thing I know I'm in front of the refrigerator. In recent years, I started to gain more weight. I'm so ashamed of my body that I haven't planned a holiday for two years. A voice inside me says, "Oh my God." Frankly, I have no idea how easy it would be for an incompetent person like me to get out of this situation. As if that wasn't enough, I also have problems at work.
I don't have anyone I can call a close friend. My boss constantly criticizes me. Actually, I think I deserve these criticisms. He says I'm useless. I think I am unsuccessful compared to other employees. I sometimes postpone the things I need to do. I feel unhappy and worthless. I'm tired most of the time. It's hard to wake up in the morning. I'm thinking of quitting my job for a moment. So how will you lose your weight, a voice asks. I am ashamed…
If you often think that you are worthless or unlovable, if you get hurt easily in your relationships and if feeling this hurt is unbearable to you, one of the reasons for this experience is the "imperfection" schema...
The emotion felt intensely in the presence of this schema is shame. It is one of the most common schemas, and when the schema is triggered, you are drawn into your beliefs and may have difficulty evaluating reality. We see that positive effects emerge if certain points we need in our childhood are met in order to become adults who adapt well to life. So it doesn't have to be perfect. The answer to the question of what a child needs for his development actually lies in a number of universal needs that every human being needs to be met. A child primarily needs to feel safe, autonomy, self-esteem, self-expression, realistic boundaries, and connectedness with others. If these are met, the child's psychology progresses healthily. If it is missing; Early maladaptive schemas formed by the damaging effect of these unmet needs develop throughout life. These are our core beliefs about ourselves that are difficult to change. They are self-destructive patterns that begin in childhood and repeat throughout life. One of them is the "imperfection" schema...
While struggling with the defective schema, one surrenders to the schema, runs away, or uses overcompensation mechanisms. You can counterattack using your commands. You may have entered a status-oriented search due to the schema. Success has become the most important thing in life for you, but you feel good only when you are successful. The defective schema lies at the basis of narcissistic personality organization. People with this personality pattern, who do not want to experience the deep pain of feeling flawed and vulnerable, may prefer to establish more superficial relationships by not establishing close bonds. If you use escape to get rid of what the schema makes you feel, you may be resorting to excessive exercise, eating or drinking alcohol. One of the main points of this schema is that you constantly compare yourself to others. You idealize others and find flaws and shortcomings in yourself. As a result, you evaluate yourself as incompetent, unsuccessful, useless. You ignore the positive things you've done. You may have depressive complaints for long periods of time. What are the origins of the "defective" schema, which touches such deep emotional points and hurts the person when triggered?
One of the reasons may be temperament, or your parents may have blamed, rejected or criticized you for a negative situation. Your parents may have compared you to your siblings or close friends. You may have been despised, made to feel worthless, and punished by your family. Remember that as you struggle with your schema, your ideas of imperfection about yourself will dominate. Try to keep in mind that these ideas are actually your beliefs, but they are also not true beliefs. You may be drawn to partners and emotional bonds that make you feel the schema of imperfection. Try to be careful. It would be good to stay away from emotional relationships that reject and criticize you. Establish close relationships and be sincere. It will help if you try to recognize your shame and track how real it is. Repeat to yourself often that you are as flawed as everyone else…
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