Most people generally divide their emotions into two; in the form of negative and positive or positive and negative emotions. Anger is also among the emotions that are considered negative for many people. Unfortunately, some people may find it unacceptable to simply feel negative supposed emotions. And anger can be one of the emotions that should not be felt. There may be many reasons for this. Fear of losing the other party when expressing anger, finding it inappropriate to express anger and many other emotions in families where emotions are not expressed frequently, belief that anger is harmful and disrupts the quality of life, or thinking that one cannot control anger and will harm the other party verbally or physically.
Anger is suppressed for the reasons I mentioned above. I believe that every emotion also has an energy. And according to the laws of physics, energy is never lost, it just turns into a more static state. In my opinion, anger that cannot be expressed either turns into less energetic but still destructive passive-aggressive reactions, or it becomes static and turns into an objective complaint or symptom in the body. In other words, anger that is not directed correctly to the external target can either spread into thousands of pieces and cause unreasonable angry, touchy reactions or cynical behavior in ridiculous little events, or it can turn inward and cause many diseases such as migraine, blood pressure, and insulin resistance. Anger that is expressed externally but is not managed properly is the outburst of anger that we all know, which causes real fear, hearts and even bodies are broken, and people are lost.
First of all, it is necessary to define correctly what controlling anger is. Most people think that controlling anger means not feeling angry by changing the perspective on the event. Sometimes the problem may really be your perspective, but that's not that easy to do when you're angry. The adrenaline released when angry prepares you for the flight or fight reaction, and in this response there is no time to think. Our frontal lobe, which we use to analyze events, is disabled for a short time when we are angry. Changing your perspective is the second step anyway. It can be done after experiencing anger and examining its meaning. Anger management essentially means expressing anger correctly. If anger can be expressed in a healthy and constructive way, both the other party and The door can be opened for the change of your perspectives. It is a natural, normal and necessary emotion felt by everyone. Sometimes bad memories or events that trigger old traumas can also trigger anger. In any situation that arouses anger, negative thoughts come to mind first, consciously or subconsciously, and then, as with every thought, the associated emotion, namely anger, is felt. Finally, the physical accompaniments of anger include shortness of breath, heart palpitations, flushing and trembling. The last behavior occurs. The emergence of physical symptoms means that adrenaline is at work, and after this stage, it may be more difficult for a behavior that passes through the filter of the frontal lobe to emerge. Therefore, when anger first starts to rise, it is beneficial to reduce the pressure without waiting for it to go off like a pressure cooker.
Anger is just an emotion. Just like any other emotion, neither worse nor better. Every emotion is necessary as long as it is not exaggerated and experienced in time. Anger that is not denied, repressed, accepted, recognized, and expressed correctly is healthy. Anger is also the driving force for change. It shows you what is going wrong in your life. It helps you express your needs to others and set limits on your rights. It helps you realize your unfair desires and the needs that you actually need to satisfy. Aggression is a behavior, a choice. You may not be able to change the events and people that make you angry, but you can learn to control your reactions. Expressing anger in a healthy way is a form of communication that can be learned. In families that verbalize their feelings, do not avoid disagreements and respectful conflicts, and do not offer love conditionally, there are parents who will be prototypes for the healthy expression of anger. However, in families where there is a flare-up and a fade-out quickly, that are destructive, chaotic, and that do not have good emotional communication, children experience the healthy expression of anger. They cannot find an example for their condition. Fortunately, there is no age limit for learning.
First of all, you need to ensure the safety valve of the pot. Listen to your body. To prevent a domino effect at the slightest change, you need to immediately focus on the only physical response you can control in your body; your breath. Take as shallow and slow breaths as possible. If you need time for this, walk away for a while, stating that you will continue to talk about the issue. During this period, instead of making statements that will make you angry, such as "It's so scary, it's so bad, everything is ruined, how can he do it?", say "It's natural for me to be angry about this situation, but this is not the end of the world, I have to calm down for a solution, come on, relax." Sometimes the best time to talk about it is the next day. A good sleep can enable you to talk about the same topic much more calmly the next day. Talking in a hurry sometimes just means throwing fire at the problem. However, while doing this, inform the other party just like when you take a break. In this way, you and the other party will not feel like they are at fault and got away with it, and the other party will not think that you are childish or acting childish.
Accept your feeling and embrace it. Notice which wounded emotion it is actually wrapping and trying to protect. Anger and resentment are often secondary emotions. Emotions such as resentment, sadness, guilt, disappointment, fear are actually the first emotion underlying anger, associated with an event or person. You feel angry because it creates these emotions in you. The only thing that fuels the anger is the anger itself. Anger can lead to defense or even attack on the other side. Therefore, in case of loss of control, the other party is usually accused of not taking action. Other emotions are less threatening and more open to conversation for most people. Sharing your underlying emotion along with your anger will make the conversation easier.
Not making the other party angry will therefore help you control your anger. In this regard, the language you use is as important as sharing other emotions. Don't hold the other party responsible for your feelings about their behavior. No one can make you sad or angry unless you allow it. Your emotion is your own. But this does not mean that you will tolerate it. du You can take ownership of your situation and indicate the behavior you do not want with the "I" language. Be an impartial observer when describing the behavior. Do not comment or make predictions about the other party's behavior. Just name the action objectively. Do not generalize when talking about the behavior. Choose very rarely rather than never. When overgeneralizations are not made even just once, that action causes defensiveness. Never label the other party because of their behavior. Every label you attach to the other party will distract you from the behavior in question and lead to new discussions. Nobody knows you like you do. Being dissatisfied with a behavior does not give you an exact idea about which one you will be pleased with. However, when offering alternatives, do not use imperative sentences such as "you should" or "I want you to". “I would like” is a desire rather than a command, and you do not own the other party.
Accept that the other party may make mistakes and may take time to learn. We even repeat it at school. Repetition of a mistake may not always be a sign of not being cared for, valued or loved. The other party may have habits that they have difficulty changing.
In discussions held in this way, anger is a fire used as a tool for a solution rather than an uncontrollable fire. If used correctly, it can nourish and warm you spiritually. If your anger is really getting out of control and harming your relationships, causing losses in your private or business life, or if you are putting yourself in an unfair position when you do not express your anger in any way but then take revenge on other issues; You may consider consulting a specialist to better cope with anger.
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